Thursday, November 30, 2006

Enhance this!

Unemployment is at it again. Seriously, they make it impossible for you to get a job.

Yesterday, I got a letter in the mail. I was randomly (yeah right) selected to participate in a MANDATORY (Yes, it was in all caps, bold and italicized. They mean business) in an "Enhanced Re-employment Services Orientation" session.

Now, let's just pause to look at this. Enhanced means it's new and improved and all I know is when I collected unemployment the other three times I got laid off, they never once helped me find a job. In fact, all they ever caused me was grief. But hey, apparently I am not doing enough applying to three or four places a day and now UE wants to help me. Sign me up. What can I bring?

That is where things get tricky. I expected them to say bring a resume as they may have a resume workshop. That is useful. Or, bring a list of the jobs you have contacted so we know you're not just sitting home on your ass all day decorating for Christmas or playing online Scrabble. No, they asked me to bring "any information regarding previous job search assistance programs you have completed or are currently attending." Um . . . none of the above. I have nothing to bring to the table. Maybe I can borrow' Tim's T-shirt that says exactly that - "I BRING NOTHING TO THE TABLE." So, I have to show up empty-handed (except for the coffee I plan on toting) all the way in Bridgeport from 9 a.m. to noon. It sounds like their only enhancement is heavily based on whatever you bring to class and they are going to steal ideas from other programs.

When they learn i will be of no use to them, do you think they will realize they made a mistake and send me home. I bet they hold me there captive just to further torture me. I am convinced Unemployment is purgatory except they pay you (barely) for the time they spend torturing you but the second you step out of line, they are there to point out your mistake and start garnishing your wages. If you dare to speak out against their mistakes, you are laughed at and told you are wrong.

I just called. I had to. I wanted to make sure (I was hoping and praying) they didn't have (read: did indeed have) the wrong person. Alas, they did not. I was tempted to say that I could not make it. That I had open heart surgery scheduled for that day but they have my SSN# and can probably tell when I am lying. In fact, I think the second you register a claim with unemployment, the Labor Fairy plants a tracking device in your ear in the middle of the night and they know everything about you.

So, let's all cross our fingers that this job I have been trying out for pans out by the time I have to attend this class or at least I am going for my drug test that day so I can have a valid reason to call and say I can't make it. It's like jury duty I guess in which case I hope there is an amputee I can stare at again.

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