Thursday, April 30, 2009

I appreciate your concern, but get away from my car

So, it finally happened. Actually, it happened two weeks ago but I am just getting around to telling the story now. When I say "it finally happened", I mean that someone thought I left my crying kid alone in the car while I got my coffee fix.

My mom and I were out on the town with Lady Bells. I offered to buy her a coffee (actually, she ended up buying just because she wanted to escape the car that was slowly filling with screams). We pulled into the back parking lot of the DD on High Ridge. My plan was to go in and get the coffee but my mother beat me to it flying out of the backseat before I could even get my hand on the handle and say "my treat."

Lady Bells was REALLY starting to go at in the backseat. In an effort to calm her down, I hopped in the backseat with her and leaned over her to start soothing her which was useless because she has proved to me countless times that she will calm down whenever the hell she is damn well ready to and anything I have to say is just more background noise for her to scream over. It was relatively warm that day and the windows were down. I felt bad for a group of high school kids eating their high school specials on the hood of their car. They kept looking over at the car, because obviously, it sounded like I was murdering my child. I mouthed "sorry" to them and continued my useless soothing attempts.

That it when "it" happened. I saw some guy creeping around my car peering into to the windshield first and then coming around to the driver's side. I thought he was going to steal my car and my baby so I immediately sprang into acting, popping up quickly in a defensive stance. The guy was unphased (I have to work on my scary face) and just nodded and walked off. It occurred to me, he was checking to see if someone was in the car with this crying kid. I got really freaked that he called the police before he checked to see if anyone was in there and within seconds dozens of police cars were going to come flying in the parking lot and see a very alarmed Dr. Horder. I started to panic and began having visions of standing in a courtroom (on the wrong side of the bench) defending myself that I was in the car. That is when I remembered that the high school kids saw me get out from the front seat and get into the back thus never leaving my kid unattended in the car for more than the time it took me to get from front to back and if my ass wasn't so big, I would have just climbed back there. Phew! I have witnesses.

Finally, my mom came out and I practically had the car in drive before she even got in. I was getting the hell outta dodge ASAP. The po po ain't taking me down for something I didn't do.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

Crib day and how I woke up on the wrong side of the bed

No joke. Lady Bells' room is the nicest room in the house. The Hubs dreamed up a nursery in his head and I did everything in my decorating power to make it happen. He wanted the perfect nursery for his daughter. Altho' he regretted not dreaming that it had a flat screen TV he could watch sports on during night/morning feedings. Her room is a sanctuary that remains virtually untouched with the exception of some feedings and diaper changes altho I have the cleaning people clean it religiously .... just in case.

"Is she in her crib yet?" The pediatrician asked me at her 7 week check up. I hung my head in shame and said no. I knew the day had to come. I was ready for it. I was preparing by watching The Sleep Solution over and over until ever tip was etched in my brain and I began referring the hosts as "those two uppity estrogen pumping bitches who obviously never encountered a child like my child who was slowly killing my Dyson."

The Hubs and I figured a move to the crib should happen before I went back to work in case there were incessant nights of crying. We decided to do it on a weekend so he could stay up too. We spent the early evening making sure the video monitor worked, the camera was in a good position relative to where I was going to place her and the nightlights were all in place. He also moved the bassinet out of the room because he knew if it was still there, I would be weak against her crying and take her back into the room with us. He put my nightstand and lamp back.

We gave her a bath, fed her a bottle and when she was nice and asleep in my arms, I carried her up the stairs. The Hubs left the stuffed monkey in the spot I was going to put her in so I had to run the risk of putting her down, then picking her up again. Lucky for me, she was so tired from barely napping that day that she barely woke up when I moved her twice. I quickly snuck out of the room and into the bedroom where my eyes immediately became glued to the monitor. She woke up. The Hubs and i took a deep breath and waited for the raging to begin.

Surprisingly, it didn't.

I started thinking of things we did wrong and safety measures I forgot like how close was the bassinet bedding to the nightlight.

"I should move it," I said.

The Hubs all but pulled me back by the straps of my nightgown. "Wait until she is asleep again."

I agreed and walked into the bathroom. I had to flush the toilet though (usually we don't in the night if its just pee but since Flow is in town, I had to flush) so I closed the bathroom door and flushed. I quietly opened it again and sprinted back to the bedroom.

"Well, she WAS sleeping." The Hubs said.


We turned off the light, laid in bed and watched the monitor. She wasn't doing much but trying to find her thumb which is pretty amusing to watch.

"I should have put the old nightlight in the bathroom," I said.

"You are not going in there. Wait until she falls asleep." The Hubs said.

Obviously, no matter how many times I watched that video, I had it all wrong. I kept wanting to go in thee BEFORE she cried out. I am such a tool. Finally, she fell asleep and The Hubs gave me the green light to tip toe in and ease my fears that the bassinet drape was too close to the nightlight and retrieve the old nightlight and set it up in the bathroom.

"The hall should really have an outlet," I said making my mental list of things I will improve in the near future.

I crawled back in bed where The Hubs was already in a light sleep with his sleep mask on shielding him from the faint light pouring out of the bathroom.

I checked the monitor, she was still asleep. However, note that i was not asleep. I was nowhere near sleep for someone who had 4 hours the night before. I should have been asleep with my sleepmask on but alas, I was wide awake. We had the room to ourselves but now a new set of problems ensued. I had to sleep with my bedroom door open. Anyone who knows me knows two things have to happen for me to sleep tight. The closets have to be closed all the way so the clowns stay inside. The bedroom door must be shut and locked so the serial killers stay away. Now, the door was open and I was closest to it. It was going to be a long night.

"Um, I hate to wake you up again," I said, tapping The Hubs. "Would you mind switching sides of the bed." And to justify my middle of the night lunacy, I added, "You know, I never sleep closest to the door in hotels."

"We're not in a hotel. We're home," he said (but note, he was already starting to move.)

"I know. I know. But, you know me." I said. Then, the clincher, "And you married it."

We switched sides which proved harder on me because now I had to get used to a new side of the bed and one which smelled funkier than my side. The Hubs said he had to get used to a whole new side but then he passed right now. I must have fallen asleep because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, literally, at 7 a.m. when I finally heard crying from the monitor. She made it through the night but I barely did.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Dumping Ground

Ever since I passed by first trimester, I got the urge to purge. I'm not talking about throwing up, just getting rid of stuff in the house we didn't need to make room for the baby. Of course, that meant dumpling way more of The Hub's stuff than mine but I compromised on some things. Lucky for me, I have a truck and also lucky for me, I have several Goodwill bins very nearby.

Now, I know you're not supposed to dump anything outside the bins but everybody does it under the cover of the night. Any day, you could drive by and see baby toys, furniture, computers, lawn chairs and the same green pick up truck. Not sure if that is for the taking but it never moves so maybe it is. Sometimes The Hubs and I will boldly dump something there in broad daylight. Other times, we wait until it is very late and we are sure nobody is around to dump the larger items. I can just imagine getting busted and having to go before a Judge I work with because I got arrested for dumping an old office chair. Embarrassing! But, some items are not as easy to hack up with a hammer and my hands as other items are (wooden vanities and dressers, that was a fun day).

I remember one night, The Hubs and I waited until we were sure the parking lot would be empty and nobody would witness the multiple illegal acts were about to scatter. Before we left the house, I contemplated covering my license plate with a garbage bag but he talked me out of it. When we arrived at the Goodwill bin, there was a car full of people parked facing the bins, headlights on illuminating the only area I needed to be completely dark. We hope they were lost and just trying to read directions so we circled the lot. They were not moving. After a few minutes, I got impatient and threw caution to the wind, pulling up to the bins and telling The Hub's to get out and start unloading as fast as possible. Within seconds, he was done and I peeled out of the lot yehawing like a cowboy screaming, "catch me now, fuckers!" I was sure they were following me but I think I was just conjuring up some excitement in my own head.

The next morning, we took a ride by to see the carnage we left and it was all gone except for one thing. In fact, anytime we put anything there, it is gone within a matter of hours. Sometimes, we will drive back in half an hour and it is gone. It becomes a game to see how popular our garbage is compared to the garbage of others. Apparently, my stuff is coveted. What does that say about my taste?