Tuesday, November 07, 2006

In my years . . . yes, you read that right Y E A R S of online dating I've gotten really good at reading between the lines of profiles. Some, you don't even have to bother cracking the code because it's all there in black and white with bad spelling and even worse grammar. Some guys just smack you in the face with what type they are.

I've been suckered. I fell for the party boy when I was looking for a homebody and while you can always improve this type, sometimes it's good to know beforehand in the event you're lazy like me. One of the things that I learned fast was that you can never really tell what to take at face value in the online dating world. That is why I honed my "reading too much into this" way of looking at profiles. People say one thing and always mean another but mainly it's the womyn doing it. Men are a bit more upfront but they still have that "I have to play the game even tho' I will say I don't" mentality.

Meet the Geek
I'm a sucker for geeky guys. I love them. Unfortunately, few admit how geeky they are in their profile in fear they will scare a girl off. However, there are ways to tell. Usually, their jobs are a good indicator. Most geeky guys are in the IT field. The key is finding a geeky guy with a sense of humor. This is where pictures come into play.

The geeky guy will usually take his own picture. Most people take their own picture but the geeky guy's picture will be of better quality because he did his research on cameras and he knows how to work it. The not-so-geeky guy's picture will be from his camera phone or a Radio Crack web cam.

The Geek will always be fully clothed despite if he has the body of an Adonis or not.

The Geek will most often take the picture at work so you'll see wall of servers in the background. Pay close attention to whatever else is in the background. Desk goodies like funky figures or something will indicate just how far into the part this guy is.

The Pusher
Don't confuse this guy with the guy you get your weed from. The pusher is the guy that sells himself with more oomph than a used car salesman offering 0% interest. He also happens to be in sales and doesn't let you forget that sprinkling bits of career related information all over his profile. Everything goes back to sales. "I would enjoy taking a break from selling to grab a cup of coffee with someone special". "I love taking drives in my new BMW because I sold so much in the past year." Even the books he read are sales books and if you find someone bold enough, the books he lists in the last thing read is his own book - about sales of course.

The Closer
Not to be confused with The Pusher, The Closer has nothing to do with selling or Glen Garry Glenn Ross at all. The Closer is the guy closing the bar. The Closer is the guy who says he is tired of the bar scene and 8 out of his 10 pictures are of him partying in a bar. The other two might be of him partying on a boat.

The Closer will say that he is tired of the bar scene. He's not. If he were, his pictures would reflect that and he'd have more serious shots. Beware, his serious picture will be of him and a kid/pet.

Too Cool for the Room
My favorite. This is the guy who usually talks about how good looking he is and how he doesn't have a problem meeting people. Ok, then why are you here? Too cool will also remark at what a great catch he has been told he is. Ok, then why hasn't anyone caught you yet?

Too Cool's picture will look like the cover of a hip hop CD and his picture will resemble a mugshot.

Pick Me, I'm Mr. Sensitive
This guy maybe read Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars before he read The Da Vinci Code and he thinks this is what womyn want to hear. He'll mention that he believes chivalry is not dead and he likes to treat a lady like a lady. Beware, this guy's shtick won't last long. If he were for real he wouldn't feel the need to mention any of these things. He would just do them without calling attention to it. Mr. Sensitive will also have a hokey screenname like "URPrinceIn Waiting" or "KnightOnWhytHorse".

He'll be posed with a kid/animal and have a few outdoor scenery shots.

Just Here
This guy keeps it simple. His profile is three sentences max. He is just there because someone told him he should try it. Don't rule out this guy from future searches. During the three months he paid for, he may have picked up a clue and spiced things up a bit to get more attention. He probably won't have a picture or if he does, it's a scan of his license. His screenname will include his zip code or birthday.

Sweat Hog
No, don't think John Travolta, think cycling shorts and gym socks. This guy lives at the gym and his screenname will reflect his favorite athletic activity. This guy, like The Pusher, will pepper his ad with hints at what a health nazi he is. He will also insist that you be the same. He will reiterate it over and over and over again just in case you didn't see the ten other ways that he said he is athletic and you should be too.


J said...

have you ever considered "matchmaker" as a job?

Dr Horder said...

I have but nobody will hire me. Just like any old job.