Monday, May 26, 2008

A weekend with my redecorating, Slurpee sucking evil twin

So, Friday The Hubs was in such a good mood (and tired of me asking "do you like these lamps?") that he said, "Lulu, I am in such a good mood, I'd even go look at lamps." Well sheeeee-it. That's like saying, "Let's go jewelry shopping" in my book. So, I ate my dinner as fast as could be and headed to Home Goods with The Hubs in tow before she could change his mind.

Since i hit the local Home Goods that day, I decided to go to the one two towns over. We found a great lamp on clearance that The Hubs approved of and I knew the twin to it was back in Stamford because I saw it a mere two hours earlier. So, we bought the lamp and headed back to Stamford where we went straight to the lamp department. I looked all over but it was gone. In the two hours I wasn't even thinking about it, someone scooped it up. The same lamp I wanted. I hoped with every ounce of evil in me that that whoever bought it had the same idea and now they were headed to Norwalk to buy the twin which I had in my trunk.

With my plan foiled, I showed The Hubs a set of lamps I have been eyeing since I started looking at lamps weeks ago. To my surprise he actually liked them despite the fact the shades were red and we officially had NOTHING red left in the room. But, perhaps this was the splash of color we needed against an otherwise black and white canvas. So, The Hubs went to the car to get the lamp so we could return it and buy the new ones. When we got them home, we were shocked at how perfect they were.

Don't get me wrong, though, The price is still on them just in case I find something even more perfect. Now, I want to paint in there but when I mention that to The Hubs he looks like someone painted him ghost white.

On Sunday, we finally made it to Ikea to get my new desk. We attempted to go last week but got sidetracked by Pepe's clam pizza and Slurpee's after which we got big belly lazy and headed home. I figured since we were going to be a few minutes from New Haven anyway for a picnic we may as well save the gas and go then. After seeing the desk in person and measuring it to see if it would fit my monitor we decided to get it and made the long trek to furniture pick up. By then, my blood sugar was plummeting so I was rushing to get this over so I could find something to help me stop shaking. The bin where they said the boxes would be was empty but 3 shelves up I could see whole new shipment. I asked The Hubs if he would go find someone to help up and I went to go find a pretzel and a diet coke. I knew when I saw The Hubs walking towards me with an empty cart it was a bad sign. He said we would have to come back tomorrow because they restock only at night when the store closes.

Oh, helllllllllll no.

That is when The Hubs said I became manic but in my mind i was just reacting like . . . well . . . my mom. Just because someone says (rather loudly) that that is bullshit doesn't mean they're manic.

I went over to the service desk and pretended like I didn't just hear what was told to me. I asked (yes, nicely) if he could help me get it down. He said if it was more than 3 shelves up we had to wait until 8:15. I asked, "does the floor count as one." Sure, enough it did. I told the guy that I was from Stamford and not really feeling all that well. With gas being priced so high i didn't want to have to drive back to New Haven tomorrow. He paused for a second like he actually wanted to help me. He punched some stuff into the computer and waisted before smugly smiling at The Hubs, with a simple look that said it all, "Don't send a man to do a womyn's job." The service guy told me that the desk was completely out of stock in the black and white color we wanted and what we saw on the above shelf was a different piece all together. Normally, I would think he was lying but I went over there and compared the numbers myself. They didn't match. However, they had the desk I wanted in birch which was fine with me but suddenly, my Husband, whose PS3 name is RawStewage, put his two cents of decorating in vetoing the idea of a birch desk.

A desk he won't even be using.

A desk that I, out of my personal account, am paying for.

A desk I need to get for MY job.

In my low blood sugar state, he marched me back through IKEA (and you know how that f-ing store is set up. You have to go through the WHOLE store) back to the desks so he can see the birch desk. And the kicker was I knew he was more than likely thinking the birch was that super unfinished wood they have where you can see the knots. And I was right because as soon as we saw it, he was like, "Oh, I thought it was something else."

Then, we marched ALLLLL THE WAYYYYY BACK to the furniture pick up to get it. And it was the last one, bitches. So, we paid and packed up the car but not before Stew could write "IKEA SUCKS" all over a tape measure and leave it in their parking lot and I could angrily throw down an empty plastic bottle. Hooligans. That's some RawStewage for ya, bitches! Oh and I sang the IKEA sucks jingle loudly as I put back my cart. Manic. Ha!

Then, we deiced to stop in Fairfield for a Slurpee. Now, I have become a bit if a Slurpee junky lately. But, not the real sugary Slurpees. These are only sold at 7-11 and made with Crystal Light. Sugar free and only 5 calories an ounce. But, I do get a 40 oz one. Whoops.

Anyway, The Hubs and I always joke about how terrible it would be after going there (yes, because sometimes we drive all the way from Stamford) the machine was broken or they were out. How much that would suck and i would cry. We pulled into the lot and being Memorial Day weekend, there were tons of cars in the parking lot stocking up on snacks and drinks for the long car rides back to wherever. I parked next to this lady getting into her car happily Slurpee sipping. I had a REAL bad feeling. It was so bad and so intense I totally forgot to turn off my car before getting out and grabbing my purse. The Hubs must have had a bad feeling too because he rushed into the 7-11. I went back an turned off my car and grabbed my keys.

I walked in and saw Stew around the magazines he was pretty nervous. "The light is on" he said placing both of his hands on my arm in case I started flailing about. The light being on means two things. It's either broken or it's making more Slurpee. I just know it means you can't use it while the light is on. I asked one of the workers how long it takes to make more Slurpee. They guy said 10 minutes to half an hour. So, I paced the store waiting. I knew that lady had the last of my Slurpee. I should have chase her in my car. I bet she had my desk too. Evil twin.

Finally, the light went off and I filled up two 40 oz cups (I don't drink them all right away, I put them in small ramekin dishes and they turn into Italian ice in the freezer) and went in for a third cup when the machine just started spitting out flat red syrup, Ugh! So, I waited a bit longer before filling up the third cup. However, because they weren't as fizzy as a full term Slurpee when I froze them, they expanded out of the ramekins and got sticky red syrup everywhere in my freezer.

I hope my evil twin was just holidaying near me this weekend and goes away soon. I can't take much more of this.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Lights out

So, yeah, my bedroom is pretty dark without lamps. And of course, in the sake of not having them show up on my bill, I took the lamps back BEFORE I got replacements.

And now The Hubs won't talk to me because they were his FAVORITE lamps ever.

I've gone too far.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

It all started with . . .

I've been meaning to write this for a while.

So, I LOVE my new bed but it's ruining my marriage . . . . or saving it. I can't quite tell yet. Maybe as a result of what happened after the bed was delivered The Hubs has finally confirmed his fears that I am batshit crazy. Or, it cemented something in his head that instantly attracted him to me on our first date. That I am one quirky broad who likes very specific things and finds great entertainment in searching for the perfect things.

After the bed arrived, we decided we needed a new comforter. The down one I got many years ago on super cheap sale was starting to lose its fluff and was virtually lost inside the duvet cover. I found my old queen fluffy down alternative comforter in a closet and we decided we should use that. Of course, I made us spend a night under it to make sure a queen size comforter would do. I do a weird thing where i wind myself up in the comforter which in turn ends up robbing The Hubs of about three feet of comforter. After a night we thought it would do and now I had to get a queen size duvet cover. I misplaced my old one like a ginormous doofus.

Anyway, I spent some time looking online for ones I liked in stores I had coupons for. I had one requirement. It had to be 100% cotton and cotton percale is NOT cotton. The Hubs had one requirement (at least only one that he let on while I was in the preliminary stages of looking). It could not have a texture because he doesn't like to feel it on his face. But I'm the quirky one. Whatever ***pfffffttt****

I found one I liked in Macy's but it was $300 (F-U Martha Stewart) and I could not justify spending that on a duvet cover. If I ever got tired of it (which I often do) I would feel guilty changing it out for a $39.99 one I fell in love with at Home Goods. I also saw one I liked at Bed Bath and Beyond so I grabbed my coupons and off we went. After prying open the package as much as I could (they clip the zippers to the duvet bags) so I could feel, I approved of the softness. Meanwhile, the Hube went around touching all the other ones for softness. Then, I noticed that this one, the one I came to the store to buy, has a satin ribbon trim. I knew this feature would annoy me (and it was green, something I was NOT thrilled with) when I wound myself up in it. The thought of this satin ribbon jabbing me in the eye actually sent a shiver down my spine. I put it back and continued to look. I found another one I liked a lot but it had texture so I didn't even bother to show The Hubs.

Then, I saw one that I was drawn to for its simplicity. However, that was the same thing that also made me not too crazy about it. It was just plain white with a simple box of what looked like figure eights in a square in the center of the duvet. They had white with red/dark brown/silver or goldish neutral tann-ish. I was drawn to the red but nothing in my room was really red except for some knobs on a dresser. I liked the duvet but I wasn't sold on it and frankly, neither was The Hubs, but I think he was just really hedging to get out of B,B&B. I said I wanted to think about it and started making my way to the exit when I got sidetracked by the clearance aisle. I found these awesome red curtains. They were the same red in the duvet cover so I bought two panels and the duvet cover. With my coupon and the fact they were on clearance, they were $7.50. SCORE.

We came home and put the duvet cover on. I wasn't blown away. The curtains looked pretty garish but I thought it was because I had blue and white curtains there before that it was just taking me a while to get used to the shocking red. The following day I went to Home Goods and got funky red sheets and new lamps (which I kept the tags on just in case). My room looked like a Gothic porn set. Something was still off. I kept asking The Hubs, "what's off? Something is off." And all he would say is, "You're onto something but I don't know what." I don't think he was crazy about anything in there (except the lamps) but he was afraid to say anything else because that might result in another trip to the mall or Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Maybe it was the picture that hung over my bed. There was too much green in it and with the red it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas on the gothic porn set. I tried other pictures but none seemed to work. I returned to Home Goods the following day for the third time in three days. I picked up two wrought iron pieces to try and waited for The Hubs to come home so he could hold them up for me. I immediately decided on the second one much to my own chagrin because it weighed at least 40 lbs and would surely take down my wall and crush my skull while I slept. The following day i returned the other iron piece to Home Goods. I am sure by that point I made their bad list.

On Saturday, my dad came over with special screws to hang the iron thing over the bed so it would not kill us. My mom's face gave me an immediate read on what she liked (nothing) or didn't like (everything) about the bedroom. After my dad hung the iron work up and we pushed the bed back and made it for her she admitted it wasn't that bad. But, she agreed the curtains had to go. So, after my folks left The Hubs took the curtains down and I repacked them to take them back. Since I only got the duvet cover to match the curtains that meant the end of the duvet cover too. I labored over repacking that thing but wouldn't you know, B,B& B didn't even look at it.

I spent all day Sunday looking at over 3,000 duvet covers online. And out of 3,000 I liked 6 and then narrowed those down to 4. I finally ordered one but not after peppering the company with questions. Today the replacement curtains came and they've softened the place considerably. Once the new duvet cover comes I can get a firmer grasp on the lamps. And then maybe I'll take the price off.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

If you're on the highway to hell, you may as well sleep in a Heavenly Bed

So, it's here. My greatest reward in life. No, not my wonderful husband or a baby but my Heavenly bed. Oh yeah, bitches! I can't seem to walk past my room now without pitstopping on the bed for a quick rest. It's made getting anything done virtually impossible. However, the road to heaven was not an easy one.

After waiting 4 whole weeks (yes, I marked it on my calendar and watched the days tick by like I was in prison) I broke down and called Nordstrom's to find out when I could be expecting my bed. Afterall, I had to get ready for its arrive by cleaning the bedroom and moving some large cabinets out of the way and I wanted to leave us plenty of time to do that. Of course, I had to call Nordstrom's twice before I got any sort of an answer and "you still don't have your bed?" was not really the answer I wanted to hear. Turns out it was delivered to the delivery agent quite a few days ago and I should have already heard from them to schedule a delivery. I had not.

"Well, you will definitely be hearing from them today if you haven't already" said Tyesha.

After hanging up with her, I waited an hour and checked my messages at home. Nothing. In fact nothing until Thursday morning just as I was grabbing my keys to leave the house at 9 a.m. I stood by the calendar waiting to schedule a date with this guy thinking it would be within the next week since it was Thursday already.

"How about this afternoon?" They asked.

Um, excuse me? This afternoon, like in a couple of hours. Uh, no. I explained to the guy that I do work (contrary to being in my house at 9, whoops) and i had to do some stuff in order to get ready so pick another day.

"How about tomorrow (Friday) between 9 and 1."

So, Friday it was. I scheduled a last minute day off (which I HATE doing) and The Hubs and I worked from the time we both got home until 11 p.m. that night cleaning, vacuuming, moving furniture so the guys had easier access up the stairs. Friday morning, despite not having to go to work, I was up at 8 to strip the bed and shower before the guys got there. As you know, it was a rainy day. I started watching the clock.

By noon, something told me to call the delivery company. So, i did. And I was REALLY nice about it. I said, "I am sure you will be delayed because of the weather, can you just tell me how off schedule you are?"

"Oh," The Asshole began, "we won't be delivering your mattress today because of the rain. We don't want it to get ruined."

Trying to keep my cool I explained that I took the day off work and worked around them and their short ass notice. I also explained, I do not get paid for days off. And I also said, 'It's been raining since 7, couldn't you have called me earlier and told me you weren't delivering and I could have gone to work!?!?!?!?!"

"Sorry," The Asshole said, "We're going to try and get it to you on Saturday. We don't usually deliver on Saturdays, but we'll do it. I'll call you later tonight to schedule."

That was the tip off that they had NO INTENTION Of delivering it on Saturday because why wouldn't you reschedule with me WHILE I'M ON THE PHONE. I figured I would get nowhere with this guy so I hung up and called Nordstrom's. In fact, while I was on the phone with them a Bob's truck pulled in. Apparently, they could deliver in the rain. "Bob's is even delivering," I hissed.

A few minutes after my Nordstrom's rage, the delivery company called me back and scheduled a Saturday delivery between 8 - 10. I made them promise eight times that they were going to come. After the third time the guy was getting mad but he got off easy. If that fucker were in front of me, I would have made him pinky swear.

So, at 9:48 Saturday morning I got a call from a random cellphone asking me if i was expecting a delivery from Home Depot. When I said no, the caller on the end was about as confused as I was. The Hubs said I should have just said yes. Like that suggestion made any sense. A few minutes later (down to the wire, obviously) my doorbell rang and my mattress was delivered.

Sweet sweet sweet heavenly bed.

How it's arrival led to a full blown bedroom makeover is a blog for another day.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Hitler was a bad influence

I've been called a lot of things in my life. My favorite being from a jilted lover who called me "Hitler" before he stalked off. My friend Julie and I always laugh because an ex called her a "facist dictator" after she told him it just wouldn't work. However, I have never, in my life, been called a bad influence.

Now, one might think being called Hitler would offend you more but when someone calls you something like Hitler, you kinda just shake your head and let out a dumbfounded "wha ...." Calling Hitler is like calling someone a stupid doody head. It only makes you want to say, "ummm..... okay, sure, whatever." But calling me . . . me . . . moi, a bad infleunce is off the hook.

So, who would say such a mean thing to me?

The Hubs.

And why would he say such a mean thing?

Because HE wanted to go outlet shopping and HE spent more money than me. And HE thinks that hanging out with me forces him to dress like Punky Brewster because HE came up to me after 30 minutes of being ON HIS OWN in a store excited about his find of plaid shorts with skulls and crossbones on them. And he also insisted on buy some Ed Hardy jeans with a dragon patch despite the fact I told him numerous times they weren't exactly my style but if he liked them, he should get them, Brett Michaels.

But, I'm a bad influence? Heck.

However, I do have to admit the plaid, skull and crossbones shorts are pretty f-ing awesome but definitely call for the right shirt. So, it's a good thing we used our Nordstrom's card a lot this weekend to insure we stay on our level 2 status so we can call the Fashion Emergency hotline and ask.

Thursday, May 01, 2008

Who goes camping in a cucumber storm?

So, last night I had another whacked dream and I'm working on trying to figure it out but there seems to be too much stuff going on in it. Maybe you can help. You being anyone who actually reads this. Or, you being Tracy who is the only other person I know who has dreams as batshit crazy and nonsensical and doomsday-ish as I do.

My dream.

I came home from work. Home was still my house but apparently my parents and my sister were still living at our old house. My sister and her family were living in the in-law apartment I used to live in while my folks had the upstairs. My sister still lived at their other house, but fro some reason they stayed in the old in-law apartment a few days a week because it was closer to my brother-in-law's job.

Anyway, my mom asked me to go over there and when I got there, she broke the news to me that my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, sister, bro-in-law and nephews were going camping and they wanted me to house-sit while they were gone. I was pissed because I really wanted to stay at my own house and it didn't even occur tome to get mad that i wasn't invited camping yet. Then, again, anyone who knows me knows my idea of roughing it is staying at a two star hotel.

My sister had a cat and a dog and she was rushing about packing and not showing me the important things like where she kept the pet food and who to call in case a pet sick or something. I'm in the kitchen trying to find this stuff out on my own when suddenly her stove (which BTW, is the most gorgeous copper stove I have ever seen) suddenly goes on. One burner starts shooting flames, then the other burner and then the whole inside of the oven is on and shooting flames. I start trying to turn the burners off but they were already off. I start screaming for my sister who pulls the plug on the oven and flicks a switch on the wall and the stove goes out. She says to me, "the cucumber storms must be coming." And I said, "oh, shit, not the cucumber storms. I want to be in my own house when the cucumber storms hit." As if i was all too familiar with the cucumber storms being a natural springtime occurrence. And as a side note. The cucumber storms have NOTHING to do with cucumbers. It was just a severe rain/thunder/lightning storm dubbed the cucumber storms which makes all the sense in the world to me in my dream.

Now, I start to get mad that I have to be away from my house during a cucumber storm while my entire family EXCEPT me goes camping. I'm about to lay into my mom about this when I see this tiny furry bird with a tail like a squirrel start hopping about the table in front of me. I start screaming like banshee ready to kill it when my sister starts screaming for me not to hurt it because it's their pet something (it had a funny name in the dream that I can't remember). Again, anyone who knows me knows I don't like birds and I don't like tiny things that walk on all fours whose nails I can hear clacking because it makes my hair stand on end. i start wigging out and screaming that I am really mad my whole family is going camping without me and leaving me to house-sit during a cucumber storm with all these animals like it's freaking Noah's Ark in a house that has a stove that spontaneously combusts. Do they understand that for the next few nights I won't get ANY sleep because I have to constantly check the stove to make sure it's not on fire and I don't burn alive.

I asked my mom how come I couldn't go camping and she said because I was just one person I would make it an uneven number of people. I reminded my mom that I am married now, a fact that seemed to escape both of us until that moment and speaking of, where was The Hubs during my dream? I thought that AFTER I got married all those weird dreams about marriage would stop but they haven't. I used to have all these dreams where I was either getting married or was married and I would NEVER see the groom or my husband or i would end up dying or getting trapped in the bathroom on my wedding day.

I went into the bathroom to sulk but was set off again when I saw the bathroom was FILTHY and the toilet was so high it came up to my shoulder. I had to pee so I bit the bullet and climbed up and sat down but it was hard to concentrate on peeing while trying not to lose my balance. And my ass was directly at window height so I am sure my aunt and uncle who were playing with the kids in the driveway could see my pasty white ass on the throne.

My parents walked back into the house where I was setting in the bedroom and crying. They were just about to say something to me (probably, "hey, don't forget to take in the mail") when The Hubs woke me up for work. I told him all about the dream and he agreed it was weird but told me that i stalled enough and had to get up now.