Monday, November 20, 2006

Beam me up Scotty, I married Tom Cruise

Luckily I was spared from the TomKat wedding countdown all most of the weekend. Stew and I took the kids Friday night and that means that my TV was hi-jacked and the channel was never changed from Nickelodeon or the Cartoon Network. The kids arrived a couple of hours before the early evening entertainment news broadcasts and didn't leave until early evening on Saturday. By then I didn't care if I ever heard the TV again so I quickly retreated upstairs to play a few songs on Guitar Hero II. After I racked up almost $1000 jamming in clubs from Austin to Boston, Stew came home from work and took me to see Borat. By the time I got to read any news online, the wedding was over and much to my dismay Katie did not break free of the Christian Scientist pitbull attack dogs and free herself from Tom Cruise's evil couch-jumping clutches. A large part of me was hoping she'd leave him at the altar and run off with Suri and the new baby she is suspected to be growing for harvest.

Is it bad luck for a bride-to-be to wish that someone would be jilted at the altar? Probably, but when it's Tom Cruise, who really cares?

Seriously tho' and this question has been burning me for days. If you go on Oprah and jump up and down on her cream colored leather sofa singing the praises of your knocked-up fiancee' Joey Potter Pacey Dawson, why would you forgo sending Oprah an invite and invite Posh Spice instead? Apparently Oprah was too sane a party guest and Tom Cruise feared she might do something crazy like bring some sanity to the festivities, or even crazier, bring Gayle King. I don't know about that but if I had the opportunity to invite Oprah to my wedding (with the belief that she actually had a reason to come), I would sure as hell make sure she got the first save-the-date card. But my real guess is that there wasn't enough room left at the inn after inviting the entire Christian Science church, alien biological parents to Suri (and select Tom-approved members of Katie's family) to invite "outsiders." When did having Kirstie Alley at your wedding become more important that Oprah? that's like crossing off Bill Gates because you have to invite Courtney Love. If she were still dating Edward Norton it would be an entirely different situation, but she's not, so big X next to her name.

I can go on and on about this but I am pretty sick and I didn't sleep well so the couch and warm blanket is calling my name. Of course I would get sick when I actually score an interview and I have no insurance. So, we're going to remedy this old-skool with as many OTC drugs as I can still buy without signing my name on a form red-flagging me as the proprietor of a meth lab in my tiny kitchen.


Tony L said...

Please note - whatever you think of Tom and or con...Christian Science has nothing to do with Scientology, which they espouse. Christian Science is God-based spiritual healing, centred on figuring out how Jesus did his healing, and zeroing in on the explanation of that in Mary Baker Eddy's "Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures". Scientology is based on a book by a man called Hubbard, and has no relation whatsoever to the Christian demands - and healing promise - of Christian Science. All the best to you!

Anonymous said...

sorry pal, you made a goof.

Tom Cruise is Scientology, NOT Christian Science.

so he may have invited the entire Scientology group, but few or none from the Christian Science church.


Dr Horder said...

Ok, I goofed. But wow, other people reading this. Cool.