Before you think Match, think gasoline.

So, after not being anywhere near the dating pool for a while, I guess I can take a giant step back from the scene and really examine it.

Honestly, sometimes I miss it. The thrill of meeting someone new. Not knowing what is going to happen. Will it go well? Will it go bad? Will I spill your drink on him? Will I throw it at him intentionally? Will I trip? Will we have nothing in common? Will this be the date that I finally slam down your coffee mug/fork and loudly say how I should have spent the night at home with a good book because I just wasted some precious time?

Wait a sec, did I just say I missed this? Yes, yes I did and yes, yes, yes I do.

But other nights I crawl safely into bed, slide my icy appendages around Stew and squeeze him until I am sure I've sucked out all of his warmth and then I roll over and fall asleep. And as I drift off into la la land, I think, "thank god, I don't ever have to go on another first date again." Sometimes it's followed by a pang of sadness. Sometimes it's not.

I know I can say this without insulting Stew because we've discussed it. I also know poor Stew struggles with his own domestication when we go to a party and there are a few cute girls running around dressed like hookers and he's trying to be respectful to me (because I am with him) by not gawking, but also wants to be able to commit every part of her early 20s body to memory for future conversations with his friends (read: use). I tease him when I catch him looking. Honestly, it's not that big of a deal tho'. Even I can appreciate a good set of perky boobs. Sometimes, when I see some I find worthy, I tell him to check them out. It's all good. You know why? Because I know she's not going to cook him dinner or do his laundry. I also know that there is a good chance there are barely enough braincells in her head to remind her to breathe much less entertain him when he gets tired of looking at her boobs.

During my five or so years on and off the online dating scene I had the fortune of meeting some really great guys. I also had the misfortune of meeting some really creepy weird icky ones too. Like any normal girl I gave them all nicknames and came home from dates mass-mailing my friends about the evening's festivities or lack thereof. Sometimes, if it was a long ride home, one, two or three of them got a call.

Now, settling down, I am forced to find my fodder in life's mundane routine. Lucky for me, I have a couple of single friends left so I get to live vicariously through them. One of these said friends is on a dating site whose name causes a fire to ignite.

Now, I'm not using names here people so nobody can get bent out of shape. My friend has been pretty unsuccessful meeting guys on there but, she is also not trying very hard. So, every now and then I sign on and search for her. However, I seemed to be the only one of us willing to drop my standards down to a reasonable enough level so searching at least yields some results. Now now now, don't let the lowering of standards comment get you. What I mean is, my friend has ridiculously high standards. There is nothing wrong with that but when searching online, some sparkling gems of guys don't sparkle the way they should until you meet them in person. Therefore, online dating starts with an open mind and gaining comfort with the simple fact that a majority of it is totally going to suck.

I can't say everything I want to about online dating in this one blog. This is definitely something that is a two, three or 10-parter. It may even spawn the beginnings of a book on dating. Who knows. I'm open. Maybe that is why I'm one of the few that actually had some luck in online dating.

However, I didn't get that way without being the girl who narrowly missed posting the following ad towards the end of her online dating days:

Look, I am going to lay it out for you since guys on here don’t seem to have a problem doing it. I’m tired of all this crazy match bull. People lying in their profiles. Saying they want one thing and then deciding they want something else. I am looking for a real person. I’m not going to go on any more dates where I have to sit there and pull conversation out of someone like teeth. If you don’t have anything to say then why are you here? How do you expect to meet people?

I am not going to pay for scars left there by other women. I’ll only pay for the ones I left. I will want to spend time getting to know you. So, if you’re not willing to put forth that effort and write me less than 3 lines, do not bother to write.

I will judge you - quickly. I’m sorry, but why waste either of our time? Personally, I’d rather be home reading a good book, then be out on a boring date. Wouldn’t you? THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT SO LISTEN UP. I do not have a need to talk to you 10 times a day. This is not something I think a lot of you guys comprehend because it runs pretty rampant on here. I like to have my own time as I am sure you do too. I do not need to talk to you every night. I do not need to talk to you throughout the day or on my ride home, or your ride home. I do not need to see you a few times a week (especially in the getting-to-know you phase). I know I must sound mean, but really, I am not. I am very laid back and the last thing I want is a guy who tries pushing me into talking to him every free moment or seeing him. There are some days I just do not want to do anything but hang by myself. Do not take this personally. It is just how I am. I'm fortunate enough to be one of those people whose comfortable doing things alone as much as she is doing them with someone. You know what happens to people who start spending a lot of time talking on the phone or hanging out? They tire of each other quickly. They grow restless because they don’t have as much time to themselves as they used to and most importantly they begin to resent the other person for invading their space. Let’s avoid this. It is best for us.

I like a man who keeps his independence because I am surely going to keep mine. I have A LOT of male friends. They are only friends. The guy I date needs to be secure enough to handle this. I realize this ad has a great potential to scare a lot of people off. Perhaps it’s too honest and that is not something anyone is used to seeing on here. It’s not your typical female profile because I am not your typical female.

I’m sure I’ve managed to offend some of your sense by now and I fully expect a few emails calling me a bitter man-hater. I’m just being honest and upfront so that there is no confusion later. If you find fault with that, then it’s probably best you don’t write.

Stay tuned tomorrow when I analyze the crap I've seen in profiles.