Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Double your pleasure

So, I think if i ever pregnant I may have twins. I have gotten a few signs lately and anyone who knows me knows I do not take the getting of signs lightly. I mean, come on, I gave my notice at my first job out of college based on what a Bazooka Joe fortune said. Hey, if you were sitting there with your resignation letter in your desk drawer and some apprehension and someone mysteriously leaves a pile of Bazooka Joe gum on your desk while you're at lunch; and the first fortune says, "Now is the time" then what would you do?

I thought so.

Earlier this month, I went to CVS to get some stuff as well as another supply of my ovulation predictor sticks. I went with the month supply this time because the generic CVS ones were no longer working (according to them, I NEVER ovulated yet still got my period on time every month) and they only had a month's supply of a brand name one for the bargain basement price of $45.99. WTF??? So, I got those. On my way back to the car I find a lucky penny. And then about a foot away, another lucky penny. Weird, I think to myself, but i pick them up anyway and put them in the bathroom by the toilet.

I'm sickeningly in touch with my body and I can tell when I'm going through the other kind of big O; so really, the sticks are useless other than to confirm what I already know. And for a few days I get two lines, so bright and pink that I inform The Hubs that the fruit is ripe for pickin'.

Saturday, after a loooong day of cleaning, it suddenly hits me that it's 5:30 and all I had to eat all day was a protein bar at 11. The Hubs was working so I texted him to see if he was going to be home soon because I was hungry. Then, I worried that came off too bitchy and amended it with a text saying I was just wondering because if he was going to be home soon I would get something light like a Subway salad to tie me over. But, if he was going to be later, i will get Chinese food and get enough so he can have some when he gets home.

See, I'm not a total bitch. Altho' I did feel owed a nice romantic dinner at the restaurant of my choice since I did spend two WHOLE days cleaning for a BBQ HE planned.

He said he was going to be late so I got our usual at the Chinese place next door. After my lonely and rather disappointing dinner; I cracked open the fortune cookies. I knew Stew wouldn't want his anyway and I did spend ALL day cleaning and eating alone. I was owed.

The first fortune:
"Things are looking on the bright side"
And the Chinese word was "March."

Doesn't seem weird but if I got pregnant this month, nine months from now would be March.

The second fortune:
"Your deepest wish will come true"
And the Chinese word was "Intimate"

No explanation necessary, I hope.

And then, later that night, I was playing my Sims game watching my pregnant sim Macabre (because her whole family died in a fire the night she was born to her mom, Slurpee) Livingston waddle her way into he bathroom to puke up her dinner of lobster thermidor. My game froze signaling the impending birth. And yes, you guessed it, she had twins.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

The universe doesn't revolve around you, you're just dizzy

So, I have PMS and I just had the worst day of my life. And even if I did't have PMS, I am still sure it would have been the worst day of my life so don't go saying, "Cheer up Dr. Horder, it couldn't have been that bad, you just have PMS." Because if you say that to me, I will hit you in the face with a shovel.

Around 8:15 (not even 5 minutes after i wake up) I get a lat minute call to go to our sister judicial district two towns over because someone called out sick. That someone calls out sick at least once a week so I kinda say it's time to FIRE THAT SOMEONE. I didn't bring any work home with so if there is any down time I'm just reading a book which, although I love reading, is a HUGE waste of time when I have work sitting on my desk in my town where I thought I would be today to do it. Thankfully, I manage some quick thinking and e-mail myself another project I can work on. However, since my whole morning routine is now thrown off I forget the CDs that contain the audio for said project. Luckily, I can work around some backdoors and get the audio I need.

I'm taken pity on and given what was supposed to be a short court that should be finished by lunch (which is good because my lunch is also sitting in my desk WITH my breakfast bars). I go into court at 10 and the Judge calls the calendar and then takes a recess. However, because I have no key to the office (or the bathroom) I am stuck there anyway.

Cut to 1 p.m. a few minutes before lunch and I think we're finishing up our last case. Turns out we're just about to start a trial. Lucky me. Come back at 2. There's not much around the court house in terms of food that doesn't start with a Mc so I am forced to go up the road a bit to Stew Leonards. Thanks to the creative genius of construction workers, I am now stuck in traffic for 20 minutes of my lunch.

Finally, I get to Stew's where every jackass is apparently learning to park and everyone in a wheelchair has decided to go shopping. There should be a ban on wheelchairs in Stew's from the hours of 11 - 6:30. Just my thought. I get some salad and some salmon and veggies which are cut into these huge hunks. When the cashier asks if I need utensils, I give an enthusiastic yes and even ask for a knife if they have one. I get back to the office and take my lunch out to discover he did not give me any utensils whatsoever and all they had in the office was spoons. Not one fork to be found. Do you know how hard it is to eat salad with a spoon? Do you know how much harder it is to eat huge hunks of veggies with a spoon? It's impossible. I ate some salmon and the rest got tossed.

The judge is late so i waste some more time just sitting there and waiting until about 2:20. Finally, the trial is ready to start and everyone is just about to wrap up when the plaintiff says they have another witness who can be there in 10 minutes. I have come to learn that 10 minutes to lawyers is really 30 in real time. They're only ever so slightly off. The whole case wraps up at 3:45. So much for a short court.

On my way home I decide to stop at Dunkin and I park next to this real hooptie. It's got more boxes in it than a moving company and the seat covers looked like someone has been sitting on them with an ass full of razorblades. I go into Dunkin and there is one person on front of me. She tells the guy behind the counter what she wants. The lady at the first register is now free and she stands on her tiptoes and asks if she can help me. The lady, in front of me, obviously confused because she thinks she is the only one in the universe, says, "No thanks I am being helped." The cashier smiles and I walk up and now the lady in front of me feels like she should - STUPID.

On my way back to the car, I notice the lady in Dunkin was the lucky owner of the hooptie. I have my hands a bit full with my coffee, my purse and trying to hold my skirt down as I get in and my door eases open a little bit more and accidentally hits her mirror. The door moved so slowly, it was a such a gentle tap that if she hadn't looked up and shot me the dirtiest look, I wouldn't have even known it happened. "Sorry about that, I said and looked to see if there was any damage (there wasn't) and then said, "It's okay, no mark, sorry."

WTF did she want me to do? Give her my insurance. And hello, lady, have you seen your car???? I put my coffee in the cup holder and glanced over again. She was out of her car. Oh my god, was she actually going to check it? And sure enough she came around to the passenger side to inspect the damage (or lack thereof) and brush off some dirt. Oh my freaking god. Seriously!!!! I had someone not watching where they were doing at a red light and roll into me and tap me and I didn't even get out to look.

She probably took down my plate and is going to call the police on me. But, then again, that has been my day. All I was thinking was, "go ahead, bitch, start with me. I will kick your ass. I'm hot, tired, have PMS, pissed off because I got NO work done today, and starving because I ate my lunch with a fucking spoon!"

She didn't say anything else to me which is unfortunate. I was looking to take someone down.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Sometimes you gotta give a little more than a wave

I have new neighbors to the right of me. They have one or two big dogs and the wife is knocked up so soon we will have to contend with not only constant barking but also a wailing baby.


Oh yeah, did I mention that the husband wakes up everyday at 7 to the same blaring techno song like it's some OCD. Oh, and he must have his frat buddies over to play the Wii because it sounds like Sigma Alpha Assholes there sometimes on the weekends.

And yet my husband is still courteous not to play Rock Band too late or too loud as though not to disturb all their fucking concert of noise.

Why do nice boys always marry bitches like me?

Anyway, I'm not about to talk about how much I wish they would move. I make that point known to The Hubs at least four times a week (that's down from my 14). I don't even have to complain because I am sure they are thinking of moving anyway for the pure fact that they think i am totally crazy. If there's a bad moment, they catch me in it.

Not too long after they moved in and we introduced ourselves I was coming home after another EXASPERATING day. I was getting out of my car and I totally threw all thsoe ladylike manners I don't have aside and hopped out. Now, I have a truck, so hopping out in a dress isn't easy. Someone is going to get Britney Speared along the way. I just threw my legs open (I did have on black tights though and thankfully black granny panties) to hop out.

As I was showing my business to the world I thought, "fuck it, nobody is home anyway. It's just barely 5." I looked up at that very moment and my new neighbor was sitting in her Saab parked right NEXT to me with her husband and of course My truck is higher so I'm sure my crotch was at eye level with her. She got this totally "I am about to bust out laughing" look on her face and waved. I just waved back (because really, wtf else can you do?) and quickly went inside so I could burst out laughing at yet ANOTHER Seinfeld moment in my life.

I totally want to go over and apologize. Like you can even begin a conversation with, "Sorry, I just basic instinced you. It won't happen again. This is a family friendly complex." I told Stew to go over and apologize for me. Unity. He said he will wait until they open their door and then flash his crotch. I told him he should go sit on the hood of their car and when he sets off the alarm and they peek out the window to see what it is, he should batwing them. Welcome to the hood, bitches.

A few months pass with no incidents to speak of until today.

Today I stayed home from work because I was up until 5 a.m. typing one of the most heart wrenching divorce cases I have had to sit on. So, there was no way I was functioning on 3 hours of sleep and going in to more than likely get stuck in Court ALL DAY while I tried (unsuccessfully) not to let my head hit the keyboard taking notes in a series of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

So, after I e-mailed the transcript to the law office who ordered it, I took a nice hot, long shower to ease my aching muscles. Since I had the time, I decided to give myself a deep conditioning treatment. So, i get out of the shower, load up my hair with goop, put my brightly colored blue and green frog shower cap on to heat up the conditioner and walk into my bedroom. I decide it's sort of hot in there and I walk over to window to open it. I whip up the blinds and put my hand on the window and my neighbor (the wife again) pulls right into her parking spot which happens to be right under my window. And she subsequently looks up (because who wouldn't if you saw a girl standing there in a puffy shower cap with a big blue satin bow and fake blue rose smack in the middle of it). I stood there like a deer in headlights before I decided to just swallow my pride and wave. Because, let's face it, she is totally going to tell her husband when he gets home (if she didn't get on the horn with him as soon as she walked in like I would have) so it may as well end with, "So, anyway, that crotch flashing lunatic next door waved to me in her silly shower cap."

However will I redeem myself? And do I really care to?

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Mailbag time, bitches!

Dear Marshals,

Before I offer some highly constructive criticism let me start by saying I am one of your best customers. I've stimulated the economy by frequenting your store about three times a week in the past 5 years and its rare that I leave empty handed.

That being said, I have to ask, did you hit your heads when you decided to put your new "shoe world" right outside the fitting rooms. In case logistics never figured into the equation of your doing the new store layout; let me enlighten you as to why this is a bad idea. As you know, you are only allowed 5 items in the fitting room at a time. Your ever expanding inventory makes it rather easy to find five items before you even hit a second rack. If you are alone, the dressing room attendant asks you to get a cart and leave your remaining items outside the fitting room. This is bad for two reasons. Thanks to your lack of consideration when building Shoe World, you built the aisles right up to the fitting room entrance forcing people to clog aisles with their carts. Not to mention, leaving your carts there open up your pickins' to anyone passing by who thinks it's just an abandoned cart and open for business. This has forced your employees to have to post signs that read "no ogling carts outside the fitting room." In case you haven't noticed but a good portion of your clientele is not privy to having English as their first language. In fact, judging by some of the spellings of said signs, your employees have the same problem too.

You can fix this problem by doing two things. Push back two aisles of Shoe World to free up some space outside the dressing room to keep their carts. Or, better yet, change your 5 item only policy. I'd bet you would double your business if ladies did not have to try on five things, get dressed, grab some more, get undressed, try on some more and repeat the process. By the way, your dressing rooms don't exactly have spectacular air circulation either so after you work up a sweat you pretty much lose the desire to shop.

Now, I know the problem you are going to find with this is that if you push the aisle back, you lose a few square feet of shoes. Whoopty shit. The way you pack that store, I am SURE you will find somewhere to put the shoes. Be like Home Goods and use every inch of space by stacking things on each other. Also, if you allow people more than 5 items per trip, your dressing room attendant will become overwhelmed with clothes.

But, listen, what's the most people are really going to take in? Seriously, we only have two hands. Also, with all the unemployed people out there, I am hard pressed to believe you can't find some extra help in the dressing room. Better yet, if you allow people to take in however many items they want, you can eliminate the "here's a number" responsibility and that lady could start separating the clothes or putting them back. See, there's a fix.

I hope you take these suggestions to heart. I am sure you will ignore this like you often ignore stains and rips on clothing before you put them right back on the rack. But, seriously, this will increase your business in a doomed economy.

- A customer