Thursday, January 17, 2008

Truly, madly, deeply . . . . . stupid.

It's no surprise. Despite my happy go lucky nature, I secretly dislike most people. However, I outwardly dislike people who seem to repeat their mistakes over and over and over again. It's okay to screw up once. Maybe even twice. But, if you do it constantly then I begin to think that you're the one with the problem not the other person.

Remember a while back, my story about my friend with the crazy ex who not only had a few screws loose but they seemingly fell out of her head while she walked like an open toolbox. And how I told you about his extreme hate of her and his promise that if he ever gets back together with her he should have his head check.

Well. I hope he made that doctor's appointment.

It had been a few days since I heard from him. I knew that meant something bad. How did I know that? My third fucking eye . . . . and zilch faith in humanity.

So. I wrote him an e-mail that said: "Don't think I don't know what you're doing."

To which he responded, "WTF?"

And I just replied, "Uh-huh. I thought so."

Which warranted a call asking me to explain. I said, "you are back with her. I know it. So. Just fess up to it now so i can call you a loser and terminate our friendship."

See. Right before Christmas he came out to dinner with us. It ended up being a huge "woe is me" fest from him. And every time the conversation dared to move off of his favorite subject - himself, he made sure to swing it right back. And when he wasn't dominating the conversation about his undying love for crazy; he was asking me if I was eating for two and grabbing at my thighs. Exactly! So glad you invited yourself. Geeze.

Anyway, he insisted that I read a lengthy e-mail exchange between him and crazy despite my pleadings that i did not care and did not want to read it. See. That should let most of you (who know I am a prying, meddling, busy bee) know just exactly how sick I am of hearing about crazy that I wasn't frothing at the mouth when he offered to let me read e-mails. I scanned them on his phone while waiting for my jalapeno poppers to arrive but i kept hitting buttons (mainly on purpose) and bringing it back to the home scree. Whoops! Did i do that?

What i read seemed to be the same old same old bs. She was blaming him for everything that went wrong in their relationship and how cruel was to her after all the while not even taking a nugget of responsibility for being crazy and having a drinking problem. And he even said it. Plain as day. "I could actually see myself back together with her if she only admitted that she had a problem." Stew and I both looked at him like he was batshit stupid. With one look we managed to say to each other, "don't say anything, let's just eat some wings."

So. It was no surprise when my friend called me from California where he was visiting over Christmas and said that he just had a two hour conversation with crazy and she admitted she had a problem.


Sometimes love is so blind because it can't see past its own erection.

Now. Any rational person who is less than inch removed from the situation could see that she finally realized what she had to do out of all her desperate pleas to get him back which included, but were not limited to:

- Showing up at his house unnannounced and crying and convulsing with siezures (as my friend put it)
- Showing up at his job unannounced and crying and convulsing with seizures
- Meeting him in parking lots to pick up her mail crying and convulsing with seizures
- Calling him while crying and convulsing with seizures
- Writing him emails berating him for being so mean and cruel to her while crying and convulsing with seizures
- Telling him she was getting back together with her ex-husband
- Texting him that his match profile seemed bitter and mean and she was worried about him.

It finally clicked with her that all she had to do was admit to having a drinking problem and she was back in regardless if she didn't want to get help or anything. So. She did it and he fell hook, line and sinker.

Yes. Okay. So that is how I really knew, did you think I seriously had a third eye?

So. When he called me that night to ask me what i meant by all my cryptic e-mails I decided not to beat around the bush. "are you back with crazy?" Of course in trying to mask the answer he went on to tell me that i didn't have much business calling people crazy. I enlightened him on good crazy (me) and bad call the police crazy (her). He said they were not fully back together but it was going in that direction. I asked if she was going to go to AA with him? No. Was she willing to get any help at all? I don't know. Did it cross your mind at all that the only reason she may have said this to you was to get back together with you and has no intention of trying to fix her problem? It did cross my mind but i am madly, deeply in love with her. I hung up madly deeply offended that he spent MONTHS crying and bitching to me and this is what he does.

Today was the first I have heard from him in weeks. Of course he wanted something which is what i asked him after I finally picked up after 4 ignored attempts. I had a bone to pick with him anyway because my dad told me he ignored him at the gym and NOBODY ignores my daddy! Of course I HAD to ask about crazy. he said he hasn't heard from her since they went to couples counseling last Tuesday.

Times like those I wish i had a mouth full of water so I could laugh and spray for dramatic effect.

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

I'm obligated to speak the truth

I said something that was mean. I know. That's not really blog worthy. Some people call me "black souled" and perhaps I am sometimes deserving of such a title. And on those days I revel in my meanness. I embrace it lovingly and prepare for a slow waltz. One da, da, da. Two, da, da, da.

So. Yesterday with little else to do, we watched Entertainment Tonight while eating our Chinese feast. This was after I indulged in Extra while exercising. I know. You're laughing that I was watching Extra, right. You wouldn't think of laughing at the fact I was exercising. Anyway, after devoting 28 to their 30 minutes to Britney Spears stories that pervert O'neil and the other one had the audacity to say how they are OBLIGATED to report on Britney news. In other words, "do not send up hate mail for fanning the flames of this girl's demise we're only doing our jobs."

Stew and I both told the TV to suck our asses. Actually Stew was nicer and said "No, you're not. You love it." I believe it was me who said, "suck my ass, bitches." Britney sells and 98% of this world is buyin'. I don't know about you but a good Brit Gone Crazy story can put a smile on my face faster than the smell of turkey bacon in the morning. Even Doctor Phil jumped on the bandwagon (Hey, Maury was legit too for a while). He gave a two part exclusive to ET talking about how he went to the hospital to see Britney. The best was the good doctor saying, "I won't talk about what happened because it's private" and then he went on to tell every detail from the moment he walked through the hospital doors to the time he left.

That's when I let it slip. "I would be really disappointed if she didn't kill herself. I mean all this has to lead up to something. There is no other way it can end." Hahaha! Whoops! Was that out loud?

Go ahead and tell me I am mean. That she is mentally ill and you feel sorry for her. I feel sorry for her too because anyone that has been spiraling THAT out of control for over a year now in the public eye MUST have something wrong with her. It's not like Anna Nicole who popped in out of our lives in various states of crazy. This has been one long wild ride that seems to only get more thrilling as the days past. And if she is indeed that mentally ill then shouldn't someone be having her declared insane and have her locked up a bit until she gets that "in patient help she so desperately needs." Those are Dr. Phil's words not mine.

Stew looked at me like I was some kind of evil. But this is the guy who sat there months ago watching anorexic twins break down on ET. And I wouldn't think this was mean had he not yelled at the TV, "I'll take ya to Vinny's" while balancing a dish on his gut and chewing with his mouth open. Then he laughed so hard at himself that the plate shook uncontrollably. It was a sight. Kinda like when I got Triscuits in my eye and now i get reprimanded when he sees me tilt a bag over my mouth.

And go ahead and tell me it wouldn't be somewhat of a relief to wake up one day and find out Brit is dead. And if that wasn't enough you can watch the two week long coverage of her funeral on ET followed by another two weeks of "what's next for Sean Preston and Jayden James."