Thursday, January 25, 2007

Oh crystal ball, tell me what is in store for me

Note: I started writing this yesterday and posted it today. I meant to do it last night but when I came home I was STARVING so we had to go eat our weight in 20 cent wings and then I just plain forgot to update it.

So, today I have a second interview at the dental office which just about sent my fingerprints to the lab to see if i came up with any homicide matches. Yes, a second interview. Let me reiterate. A SECOND interview for a receptionist job. Oh, and I found out today they have been calling around for my references. Nothing like doing that 14 days later!

So, I think they are hauling me back in today to meet with the doctors. I am making a prediction now and then I will put this aside and tell you if I was right.

I am going to spend another two hours in there while I wait 10 minutes to meet with each doctor for two minutes and I have to answer the same questions over and over again.

Let's go see if i am right.

I was totally right. I was there for 90 minutes and met with two doctors and the coordinator (who I waited 20 minutes for). They offered me the job but not before trying to shake my confidence with shady head games and everyone knows how much I LOVE that. So, now I have some thinking to do.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

Dush Dush in the bush

I did a focus group.

Everyone who knows me knows I make my unemployed living off focus groups. I am not even picky in times like this. I suppose that is how I ended up doing one on douche and feminine wash yesterday. Yes, you heard me. DOUCHE. As in the feminine version of the Stick-Up. As in my favorite term to call people - douchebag.

The group consisted of seven girls. That is seven vaginas and seven mouths who have a lot to say about their vaginas. However, five people of those seven insisted on pronouncing "douche" as "dush". For a while I thought I was in the wrong group. I thought they were saying "dish" and actually wondered, "what is this dish they are talking about? Satellite TV? I am here to talk about my vagina. Maybe it's a new term or some new product like that menstrual cup thing." Yeah, i was obviously up at 5 a.m. for that to even make a lick of sense to me.

Anyway, there was one girl in the group who thought her vagina was above all other vaginas when anyone referred to a feminine problem like too much wetness or a strange odor.

"Well, then you have to go see a doctor" she would say.

Maybe the person did have to go see a doctor but every female has an odor and it sure as shit ain't roses! In my house we call it "Stanky Pachang" or "Smelly Fish Butt." But apparently, Fresh Snatch over there thinks her vagina is supreme. Maybe it is. But she didn't look like she was doing anything with her vagina that led me to believe she was clean as a whistle "down there." I'm not saying this to be mean but when we went around the room introducing ourselves she did say she lived with her three kids and her mother. There was no mention of a husband/boyfriend/babydaddy. However she did go on about spermicide and that being the reason she doesn't dush after sex. She is afraid the dush will clear out the spermicide and enable her to get knocked up . . . again. Do you see what kind of ignorance I am up against?

Despite the fact that the only reason I was there was to extol the virtues of douching and feminine wash, I felt the need to remind everyone that "dushing too much is bad for you." I am such a rebel rouser. Seriously, my gyno told me years ago that douching will wreak havoc on the Ph balance of your vergander and cause all sorts of infections. I said this, making the comparison of protective bacteria to nosehair.

The moderator had her work cut out for her getting us back on track after such tangents about dushing myths. The purpose of the group was to get dushers to use feminine wash instead and she was there to show us an array of feminine wash. Fresh Snatch of course claimed to use feminine wash everyday. What the moderator wasn't getting was that douching and using a feminine wash had two different purposes. One was an internal flush and one was . . . well . . a WASH.

However, I did hear some words unknown to the English language that I wish I wrote down.

Cleansier - I suppose she meant cleaner but who knows.
Vaginal - which is a word but ceases being one when pronounced Vah-jy-nal.
Moistier - Heck?
Translute - As in "I like the bottle that is translute because I can see what color the wash is."

And yet, I was the only one at the table without a job.

Amusing. I type these missives in gmail so I can save them, catalog them and revise them as needed. My sponsored links are: Douchebag t-shirts, Dr. Laura and John Kerry. Random. Apparently Gmail likes to think that democrats are douchebags.

Thursday, January 11, 2007

"What do you hope to get out of this job?"

Ok, now I have seen it all.

Since being unemployed I have only been able to score a handful of interviews. Five to be exact unless I am missing one which is entirely possible.

Yesterday's interview took the cake. It was a receptionist job. I know what you're all thinking. "Receptionist job, Lisa? I mean, really." The fact of the matter is admin and receptionist jobs are the only jobs currently out there not to mention the only jobs willing to call me back because my resume is so "diverse". I had so many different jobs. It's all over the board, sales, marketing, research, journalism, customer service. One thing is for sure, I certainly dabbled.

So, this particular interview was at a dental practice. I thought my dentist's office was a nice comfortable place to go but this place has it beat. There is a masseuse in the waiting room and ladies can have paraffin waxes while they wait too. There is a fridge stocked with water, a babysitting service and they even give you lipgloss on your way out if your lips took a beating from keeping your mouth open all that time. Swanky.

I walk in and I am all ready for my interview. I have my resume in hand, recommendation letters and references attached and I am red to go. The receptionist handed me an application. An application. What is up with companies still making you fill out applications like a freaking mall job. List your jobs. Your education. Seriously. It is absurd but I'll play along. This is the second time I witnessed this insanity. Finally, I grew tired of repeating myself and just clipped my resume to the application. I flipped through to make sure I got everything and that is when I saw it.

Page 3.

Page 3 of the application was a graphology test. For those of you who didn't work in the autograph biz or don't know anyone in the FBI or CIA, a graphology test is a handwriting analysis test that can determine your personality by your handwriting. And you sillies thought it had something to do with your zodiac sign. Hah! Theses particular questions focused on your past job. I guess that was an added security measure to see if you were lying. Sometimes, they can tell if you are lying by how small or tight you make your letters. Well, wouldn't you know, i was ready to run. I completely forgot how to write cursive. I haven;t done it in so long that almost every letter escaped me. They also requested you not use lined paper but the page happened to be laying right over a lined page so it was impossible not to. Visually, the line was there. My writing will probably deem me a serial killer. But careful, I might be lying that I indeed do know how to answer the phone.

However, I was somewhat prepared for the interview that would follow. When the guy called to pre-screen me he asked what i consider a silly question that makes me want to scream "Duhhhhhh" followed by an air horn. I get it a lot because the jobs I am applying for are not anywhere near what my experience is in. I guess it is valid from their point of view. They want to make sure they aren't going to take the time to train me and I am out the door when something better comes along. But really, in this job market, you should be grateful you have people with half a brain applying for these gigs.

The question: "What do you hope to get out of this job?"

Well, let's see, it's a receptionist job. I'm not quite sure anyone actually seeks these types of jobs and surely you don't want to hear me say "um, a paycheck and some benefits" so what else can I say? I give the standby. I am looking for stability. A job that i don't have to worry how the market is going to affect it because everyone has teeth!

The guys asked me this on the phone and again when he was meeting with me. Honestly, I am sick and tired of this question. I mean anyone who reads a newspaper knows that the job market is not great. Why else would you be getting people who have accounting backgrounds or marketing backgrounds applying for admin jobs. HELLOOOOO!!!!! Ace!

Anyway, I was there for almost 2 hours. I met with the employee coordinator, some chick who i am not sure what her role is and the doctor who owns the joint. They mentioned me coming back for a second interview. I wanted to say, "um, are you hiring me as a dentist because I didn't have two interviews for most jobs I had that didn't require just picking up your phone."

My favorite was that he grilled me on my Excel knowledge and then when I asked if it was software they used, he said no. WTF?

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Sim-ply Addicted

I blame Stew.

If Stew hadn't been so supportive of me playing video games while I'm unemployed there is no way I would have been persuaded to buy Sims 2. I knew how lethal The Sims were. I prcatically had to break the game CD to stop playing. Well, actually, all i had to do was to break up with the boy who I was borrowing it from prompting me to have to return it. Still, do you see the lengths I went to to rid myself of the evil that was The Sims?

All that.

And what does Stew do?

"I'll buy it for you if you really want it. I want you to be entertained."

Ohhhhhh, noooooo, Stewwwwwww! Why didn't he just hand me the belt and needle? Heck, why he's at it, give the vein a few good pats to get it to show its face. Its ugly ugly pixelated face.

"No," I said. "If I want it, I'll buy it."

I couldn't let Stew buy me the eqivalent of crack. Granted, I let him buy me Cold Stone ice cream and S'mores fondue and that might be considered my own personal crack, but The Sims was a whole different drug. I made it look like a decision I was struggling with. I even said a few times out loud, "I don't know. I may get addicted." I was hoping Stew would tackle me to the floor and rip it out of my hands and drag me out of the store. Alas, he didn't. He stood there thinking where we should go to dinner and why the hell is it taking me so long to buy a stupid game.

"Wait," Stew said, "You should buy this. It has The Sims 2 and the Holiday Stuff expansion pack. Why would anyone buy them separate when they are both here for only $10 more. Stupid."

Oh my god. Not just crack, holiday crack. I skipped to the register. I didn't want dinner, I wanted to go home and start installing.

It did not take long for me to rediscover why i have a love/hate relationship with The Sims. The Sims are very time consuming and like pets they must be trained when to eat, sleep, bathe and go to work. Being unemployed and playing Sims while polishing off a pot of coffee doesn't exactly give me the right to start running other people's lives. But, hell if i tried.

Sims 2 is like 900 times better than Sims. It is much more advanced and your characters eventually learn when to pee, poop, eat, go to work or bathe. Altho' sometimes when one of my Sim hears the horn for her job, she immediately runs to the living room to watch TV. That would be my favorite Sim, Stony Burner. More on Stony later. The new sims even get fat, lose weight and have sex. They also have aspiration meters so you can start your Sim off with high ror low aspirations from birth. But they whine a lot when they don't reach their goals.

So, i am addicted and what does Stew go ahead and do?

He buys me more exansion packs for Christmas. I got Sims University where i can send them to college and make them join fraternities or sororities. Sims Open for business which is a really involved game about having your Sims starts businesses and buld empires. And, Sims Glamour Life where I can buy them more expensive funky stuff.

I'm in Sims Hell.

Friday, January 05, 2007

Happy New year

Happy 2007!

I know. I have been slacking. I promise to be better. That is my New Year's resolution. With my nephews off from school this past week and holiday stuff I barely had a moment to myself. And yesterday was a great start to 2007. My crawlspace received a nice healthy dose of water. Stew was going down there anyway to retrieve the Christmas bins so I could undecorate. His, "uh oh Lulu, we got some water down here" started a 12-hour project that included a shop-vac, trips to Goodwill to unload some junk and Target to get bins for more junk and no rest for the wicked. Tonight, after the floor dries, we're planning on putting the rest of the bins down there so my dining room looks less like a storage facility and more like a place we would eat if it had a TV. We lead such an exciting life.

Christmas was fun. Stew and I cheated by opening up a few presents early because we couldn't contain ourselves. Plus, I wanted to wear the jammies i knew were under the tree when I woke up Christmas morning. The only way to do that was to open them Saturday night. Stew got me a whole bunch of Sims 2 expansion packs and I am so addicted that my digital exploits deserve a blog of their own. The Chronicles of Stony Burner and her father, Rad Burner.

Some highlights of my days since I last wrote:

1.) well, Stew unveiled that surprise he has been holding over my head for months now. Christmas night, I was presented with a red bag. Inside the red bag were two envelopes and a wrapped cd. Envelope #1 contained a menu to a restaurant called The View. It had the same logo as the show so I was shocked that stew would give me tickets to see The View. But the logo just happened to be a coincidence. The View is a restaurant in the Marriott hotel in Times Square that spins and overlooks Times Square. The second envelope contained tickets to see Avenue Q. Yay! Dirty puppets. The cd was the soundtrack so we could hear what we were getting ourselves into. The city was a bit crazed but the evening was really fun and nice. I will post pics to my smugmug page soon.

2.) I think I found my invitations. After spending a few hours looking through books with my mom, I finally found something I like online. My mom is against ordering them online eventho they cost way less because there is not store overhead so she insisted we go to a stationery story. It's her dime so fine with me. This store carried the line of invites but did not have the book that contained the sample of the invite. But, they got it in for me within a few days. Just to show you what a rip off everything wedding is. I found the invites online for $189 per 150. That is just the invites, don't even get started on envelopes, response cards, reception cards and placecards. At the store they want $189 per 100. Uhhhhh.... I'm going to mention this to them when I go to order them and I may have to add a few things in like a design on the placecards in order to get a deal but I WILL get a deal.

3.) Unemployment offers training courses for computer programs like PowerPoint, Excel and Access. They are not super in-depth but if you have half a brain you can figure it out. So, I took a PP one because i see that one mentioned a lot. The first day I went the computers weren't working. It took the instructor an hour to get through one slide. I suggested she should reboot the computers but she looked at me like I had six heads. She was probably thinking, "I am the employed one here missy, if you knew anything you would have a job like me." So, after wasting a couple of hours just watching her, the two other ladies an I started a revolt and walked out. When we went back on Thursday the instructor said she rebooted the computers and they were working much better now.

4.) I gained 10 lbs over the holidays. Every year I do my indulgence routine where I avoid the scale for 10 - 12 days during the holidays and eat whatever I want. I have actually been doing this for a while (eating whatever i want). Anyway, in the 2.5 weeks or so of debauchery and scale avoidance, I gained 10 lbs. That is almost a size so believe me, I feel it in my clothes. Lucky for me, once I get my sorry ass back on track, I can lose it almost as fast as I gained it. I already lost 3 since Wednesday. I'll lose it all just in time for PMS week to start when I live on chocolate, salad and carbs. But, with only 195 more days until I have to fit into my dress, I better swap out the carbs and chocolate for more salads and lean meats.

Back to my Sims