I'm going to take a dump and then we'll talk religion

I love it.

I got an online dating horror story from one of my friends. Apparently, he went out with a chick the other night and it was a disaster. Seriously. I swear this stuff really happens even to men. It was supposed to be a simple Thursday night date, pizza and a movie. He asked her prior to the date to buy the movie tickets early because it was likely to sell out. Apparently, she failed to do this but didn't tell him until they got there and paid for parking . . . and guess what, the movie was sold out.

Let's stop and analyze this action. First things first, Stew has a theory and I tend to agree with it in a lot of cases (fortunately for Stew, I blew this theory away from day one). The theory is that "broads aren't dependable." As a girl, who is friends with other girls, I will admit that sometimes we lack some forethought especially in the dating world. Usually, in that world, the only thing we give an ounce of thought to is how we are going to end the date suddenly if it sucks.

I can even go deeper into this. Depending on which date this was (I found out it was #2), it's not wise to give a girl a responsibility until you're at least 90% sure she can handle it. Otherwise, you risk the evening being ruined and even if it was her fault, her and her friends will still blame you. Also, for the first few dates it's an unspoken rule that the guy should really plan everything. I could be wrong on this, I think Stew spoiled me by always having plans . . . and good plans. Altho' I let it be known early on when when Stew called my cell as I was on my way to our first date to tell me the place we agreed on was closed. I quickly sprung into action with another suggestion. Granted I was running late, but at least I came through.

I'm going to get a proverbial shit storm from men and womyn regarding this about it being the year 2006 and womyn should be equal parts and have a say. I'm not saying that at all. I'm not saying we shouldn't offer to pay our way or just shut up and let you control everything, I'm just saying that the part I like most about the wooing process is sitting back and being wooed. In my case, I like that it still hasn't ended either. The only thing that really changed is he doesn't open my car door first so I don't have to freeze/sweat/get wet any longer. This only changed because his new car has power locks so we can get in at the same time. But for a good solid year, he always opened my door first.

Lesson to be learned: If you are a guy, plan the date. This includes buying any tickets in advance. Keep doing this until you feel comfortable doling out some of the dating responsibility.

Now, because the movie was sold out she invited him back to her place. My friend was ready to call it quits when she expressed surprise that you can buy tickets online, but the fact that she asked him back to her place showed some promise. Some light at the end of a very dark and long tunnel. So, of course he went, who wouldn't?

I'm not a guy. But, I have heard enough stories from guys who went to a date's house too early in the relationship and things hadn't gone down quite like they hoped. In fact, pardon my French, these situations turn to shit a lot faster than you can imagine because if you thought it was too good to be true for a second, then it is. Remember my story about a guy going to a girl's house on date #2 and things heating up and she shuts him down with the "I just had a procedure to see if I have uterine cancer today." Well, things didn't go any better for my friend. Apparently, as things were moving along in the sweating and petting department, she decided this was a great moment to stop him and start asking him his thoughts on religion and children. Of course, because someone just side-swiped out of "the zone" you don't mince words and ask them where is this coming from? She replied, "Well before I go any further, I need to know you're the kind of man that will raise our children in the Roman Catholic faith."

Holy Christmas!!!

Ok, asking a guy back to your house on the second date and starting down the path of "getting lucky" is NEVER the time to talk religion and kids. And, by the way, asking a guy back to your house on the second date is ALSO not the way to put out the vibe you are a good catholic girl. It says you are a psycho and a walking contradiction and if there is an exit, your date should run for it like the room is on fire.

Now, I should know better by now that there are just a lot of crazy people in the world, but still I found myself making excuses for this chick. I assumed that maybe she was a virgin saving herself for marriage. I examined her profile and it certainly talked enough about waiting for the right man to make me wonder. But my friend assured me that "she went for the package like she had been there before."

Then I thought maybe she wasn't all that interested and this was her way of getting him to lose interest. Girls can be a bit roundabout in that way. I remember the great lengths I went to to make a guy lose interest once. This included me falling asleep at the table, flinging my plate dangerously close to the edge of the table because my burger didn't have pickles and acting like a total brat. I also pretended to fall asleep in the car on the way home. A normal guy would have run. My date did not. He just thought I was having an off night.

So, I asked my friend, "have you heard from her since?"

SIX TIMES. She called twice and wrote 4 emails so she wasn't trying to get rid of him, she was serious. She was a walking recipe for crazy withe secret ingredient of psychotic. So, he sent her an email telling her it wasn't going to work out.

But my favorite part of the email he wrote detailing his date was the afterthought.

"Plus, she took a couple of nasty dumps early in the evening that just lingered and lingered.... it was all and all not worth the hassle...."

Sounds like she needs a whole other kind of match.