Dush Dush in the bush

I did a focus group.

Everyone who knows me knows I make my unemployed living off focus groups. I am not even picky in times like this. I suppose that is how I ended up doing one on douche and feminine wash yesterday. Yes, you heard me. DOUCHE. As in the feminine version of the Stick-Up. As in my favorite term to call people - douchebag.

The group consisted of seven girls. That is seven vaginas and seven mouths who have a lot to say about their vaginas. However, five people of those seven insisted on pronouncing "douche" as "dush". For a while I thought I was in the wrong group. I thought they were saying "dish" and actually wondered, "what is this dish they are talking about? Satellite TV? I am here to talk about my vagina. Maybe it's a new term or some new product like that menstrual cup thing." Yeah, i was obviously up at 5 a.m. for that to even make a lick of sense to me.

Anyway, there was one girl in the group who thought her vagina was above all other vaginas when anyone referred to a feminine problem like too much wetness or a strange odor.

"Well, then you have to go see a doctor" she would say.

Maybe the person did have to go see a doctor but every female has an odor and it sure as shit ain't roses! In my house we call it "Stanky Pachang" or "Smelly Fish Butt." But apparently, Fresh Snatch over there thinks her vagina is supreme. Maybe it is. But she didn't look like she was doing anything with her vagina that led me to believe she was clean as a whistle "down there." I'm not saying this to be mean but when we went around the room introducing ourselves she did say she lived with her three kids and her mother. There was no mention of a husband/boyfriend/babydaddy. However she did go on about spermicide and that being the reason she doesn't dush after sex. She is afraid the dush will clear out the spermicide and enable her to get knocked up . . . again. Do you see what kind of ignorance I am up against?

Despite the fact that the only reason I was there was to extol the virtues of douching and feminine wash, I felt the need to remind everyone that "dushing too much is bad for you." I am such a rebel rouser. Seriously, my gyno told me years ago that douching will wreak havoc on the Ph balance of your vergander and cause all sorts of infections. I said this, making the comparison of protective bacteria to nosehair.

The moderator had her work cut out for her getting us back on track after such tangents about dushing myths. The purpose of the group was to get dushers to use feminine wash instead and she was there to show us an array of feminine wash. Fresh Snatch of course claimed to use feminine wash everyday. What the moderator wasn't getting was that douching and using a feminine wash had two different purposes. One was an internal flush and one was . . . well . . a WASH.

However, I did hear some words unknown to the English language that I wish I wrote down.

Cleansier - I suppose she meant cleaner but who knows.
Vaginal - which is a word but ceases being one when pronounced Vah-jy-nal.
Moistier - Heck?
Translute - As in "I like the bottle that is translute because I can see what color the wash is."

And yet, I was the only one at the table without a job.

Amusing. I type these missives in gmail so I can save them, catalog them and revise them as needed. My sponsored links are: Douchebag t-shirts, Dr. Laura and John Kerry. Random. Apparently Gmail likes to think that democrats are douchebags.