Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Pay-lo J. Lo

I don't know why I dislike Jennifer Lopez so much other than I just do. For some reason I can't explain. Maybe it's her shitty movies. Maybe it was the whole Bennifer thing. Maybe it was her crossover from dancing to acting to singing to clothing designer to perfume creator. Maybe I am just jealous.

However, I always get taken by this broad.

A few years ago, I was walking down the hall at work to go to the ladies room. A womyn passed me and I smelled her perfume. I was taken aback by how great it smelled so I asked her who made the perfume she was wearing.

"It's Glow by J. Lo" she said.

I cringed.

"I know," the womyn said. "I hate her too but I love how this smells."

I was determined to find an equally awesome scent. I discovered Vera Wang and despite it's pricey tag, I put it on my Christmas list and laughed every time I saw a bottle of Glow at T.J. Maxx for a fraction of my Vera Wang.

A year or so later, I was browsing the lingerie section at Macy*s and came upon a great piece that was perfect for a body conscious girl like me. It was long enough to hide my problem zones yet sexy enough to still light some fires. I jumped for joy and rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. That is when I saw it - the J. Lo tag. I thought long and hard but ultimately put it back on the rack.

One night while talking to Maria, I mentioned this issue.

"Oh my god," she screamed, "I know exactly what you mean." Maria faced the same issue when J Lo came out with these adorable empire waist cami jammies she wanted but couldn't bring herself to buy.

Hating J Lo means we missed out on some really cute things. Damn her.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom took me to Lord & Taylor to buy a new coat because my other coats just weren't warm enough. After seeing the price of the only coat I liked, I decided that I would rather have the money to pay for the new computer than coat I didn't really need if i owned a few heavy sweater to wear under the coats I already have. Besides, none of them really made me "ohh" and "ahhh." The following night Stew and I hit Macy*s to do some Christmas shopping. I dragged him to the coat department to see if anything struck my fancy.

I spotted it from across the department. A heather green pea coat, tailored to perfection with enough funky tabs on it to make it look less like a military coat.

I gasped.


I gasped.

The cuteness of the coat took my breath away. It was nothing that I told my mom I was looking for. It was not long and it was no thicker than my black wool dress coat but it was cute as hell. Big buttons, princess seams, tailored back and side and a hood!

I ran over to it. I don't think Stew ever saw me move so fast but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the white and pink label read "J. Lo." Ugh!

I jumped up and down (yes, in the middle of the store) screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" stomping my feet.

"What's the matter?" Stew asked, eager to get what we came for (wine glasses) and get the hell out of the mall before he turned into a pumpkin.

"It's J.LO!" I said.

I may as well have said it to a brick wall because all I got was an empty stare.

"I hate J. Lo," I explained. "I NEVER buy her things. Ever. And do you know how many great things I passed up on?"

"Ok, then" Stew said, "Are we done here?"

I ignored him because I was too busy examining the jacket hoping and praying to find something about it I hated. Something that was a deal breaker. Something like a gold glitter design on a pocket. Nothing. Not a thing.

'I'll try it and maybe it won't fit or the double breasted action will make me look like the broad side of a barn," I said taking it off the hanger.

Not only did it fit perfectly but looked great.

I looked at the price, "$220? Is this broad nuts."

Stew pointed to the 40% off sign and reminded me I had a 20% off coupon in my pocket.

'Still,' I said, 'It's too much money."

But I scanned the price anyway, it was actually 50% off and with my coupon, that means its 70% off.

"I'll buy it for you," Stew offered. "I was going to get you a big gift but wasn't sure what to get so if you want the coat, I will buy it for you."

Ohhh, tempting. And so ensued a 10 minute debate where I tried to justify walking out of the store with the coat. Technically, I wouldn't be buying it since it was Stew's money, but I would be wearing it on my person. And Maria would kill me. But she even broke her "I will never buy from Walmart because I saw some movie about how awful their employees were treated" because she was thirsty and the water was right there by the register where she was standing with me.

I walked away. I came back. I walked away. I came back.

I took it off the rack and carried it around trying to force myself to find something equally as cute and as much of a deal to get instead. But there was no such thing so I let Stew buy it for me for Christmas and I have not taken it off since.

Damn J Lo.


Secret Super Hero Grrrl said...

If an item is 50% off and you have an additional 20% off coupon, it does not make the item 70% off.

Example: Item is $100. 50% off of $100 is $50. If you take an additional 20% off the now $50 item the total is $40.

However, if an item is priced at $100 and it is 70% off the total for the item is $30.

If you are going to shop sales you must, once and for all, learn math.

Dr Horder said...

That is why i bring Stew shopping with me. He has a calculator in his phone. I have one too because we have the same phone except he can work his. I am still learning how to us the blue tooth headset. I keep missing the on/off button and sticking my finger in my ear which knocks the whole stupid thing off.