The "sell by" date on sushi isn't a suggestion. It's an order!

I get cravings for sushi. Actually i get a craving for the wasabi-soy mustardy looking mixture I like to plunge my sushi rolls into. Yum. Something about that feeling right when it hits the tip of your tongue and shoots hell through your nose that i need every now and then. Plus, anyone who has seen me eat knows I keep a fork in one hand and the salt shaker in the other/ I love me some salt. Oh yes I do. After you gasp in horror as I salt my roastbeef sandwiches after every bite, I will tell you I have to eat salt. It is doctor recommended. I have to eat it because my blood pressure is so low if i don't, i will be dizzy.

It's a lie.

My blood pressure is really low but my doctor didn't order me to shake it on everything like a salty Nor-Easter me to. He did say that it certainly wouldn't hurt me since I drank 3 liters of water a day and my blood pressure is so low, but he didn't write it in my chart or anything.

And, as you know what I have been going through the past few days with things not being in your chart like they should like Codeine prescriptions then it MUST not be law. Btw, I managed to get 6 pills out of my PCP. Thank you very much. Oh, and her jackass of an assistant called me the following day leaving the test results for someone else on my machine. I will have killer cramps but at least Kathy has a normal result for her bone density tests and her hip growth for the year was good.

Anyway, Stew asked me last night why I don't buy sushi in Stop & Shop. I will at Stew Leonard's tho and usually when I buy store-bought sushi, it's vegetables or imitation crab, something that can't kill me. Otherwise, ewwwwwwww.

Today, I went to Port Chester to get m aunt and uncle a giftcard to a movie theater they frequent. let me tell you, Port Chester has become a shopping mecca. In one shopping center there is a BIG cine-plex movie theater with two restaurants attached, a Costco, Marshall's, DSW, Michael's Arts & Crafts, some other shoe store with discount shoes and a Stop & Shop. All they are missing is a Home Goods and I could live there in the parking lot. Oh, it's a free parking lot too. Even for the movies. Any time you go not just between the hours of 1 and 4:30.

Because S&S was right there, I figured I may as well pick up a few things. Stew and I were talking about having stuffed salmon Thursday night. Why we are thinking about this with an all-you-can-eat fish-filled Christmas Eve in a few days is beyond my comprehension. I usually get it from Stew Leonard's or Costco. Costco was right there but I don't have a card. Stew shares a membership with his friend Kenny so Kenny has card #2. I can use Stew's but i don't know if they are going to bust my chops because we're not married and have totally different names still. So, eventho I can go at times when Costco is virtually empty like mid-day, I can't. We have to wait until Stew gets home at 6:15 and then eat something really fast or go through Costco hungry which you NEVER want to do because at that time, they have stopped handing out samples. You'll have to take out a second mortgage to pay your bill that night.

Man, i am tangent girl today. Wait until I blog about my Sims.

Anyway, I cruised by the seafood dept and spotted stuffed salmon. They looked good so I looked at the sell-by date. It said, the 18th. People, today is the 20th. Sell by Dec. 18. Now, i know they didn't mean Dec. 18 of 2007. I threw the package down. I wanted to throw it at the 15 year-old behind behind the counter but resisted. I wanted to show her that shit was supposed to be sold 2 days ago and ask for something fresher. But I knew, she would go right into the backroom, and just make a new label for it. Not chancing that one. Then it hit me. the craving for wasabi-soy mixture of death. I wandered over to the sushi. Again, those were supposed to be sold by the 19th. Ewwwwwww.... I found one that appeared to be the freshest (sell by the 21. It was probably just restamped) and it was veggies so I knew I wasn't entering level orange ecoli danger. I chose that one. I was feeling risky.

But the 18th?

Ewwww.

Canadians have it made

So, I got in touch with my doctor's office yesterday. Actually, I spoke to her assistant who was about as helpful as a brick. Apparently, the fact that i have been working on the same bottle of codeine since February 2006 makes me look like a junky now that I need a refill almost a year later. She asked me 2,000 questions before telling me that my former doctor (who has since retired from that practice) was the one who prescribed it to me and not the current doctor.

Let me tell you something about this practice. It's one of those places where they have 4 doctors on staff and I don't think I ever saw the same doctor twice. Seeing that they all worked together, under one umbrella, if one doctor prescribed something for you then all the doctors should see that in your chart and honor it. But that seems to make too much sense. I was told yesterday that the doctor I saw last only wrote in my chart that I should continue my extra strength Tylenol and never said anything about Tylenol with codeine. I was also told that this particular doctor doesn't like to prescribe pain meds. I explained my no insurance having case to the assistant so coming in so that the Dr. could see me before giving me what i can get on the Internet without a script was not an option i could afford right now and she was like stone on the other end of the phone. Jesus lady, it's Christmas, have a freaking heart.

Let me tell you something about my cramps. Thanks to 20 years of having irregular periods, my uterus seems to be making up for it now. I have about two days where I pass out from the loss of blood and can barely function because my cramps are so severe. They're made worse by the IUD which gets pushed into my ovaries when they swell to what I figure to be the size of watermelons. I can only describe the pain as feeling like someone is sawing me in half. I wish this pain could be held at bay with extra strength Tylenol but I would have to start taking 3 every 4 hours now for it to have any impact on my pain and frankly that would give me an ulcer before I even got the Aunt Flow drop-by. Why bother when all i have to do is take a shot of Malloxx and two T3s a day for just two days?

So, today, I found Tylenol 3s that i can get online from Canada for super cheap. The only problem is a $30 a month fee to join this site and a 1 - 4 week wait on the pills. The deal turns out to be not such a deal after all and the wait will not help me when my period is 7 days away. So, I looked at the bottle again today and noticed that this doctor's name happens to be on the bottle as the prescriber. So, WTF? Why isn't it in my chart. I called her assistant back to inform her of this and advise her to talk to the Dr. again. We'll see what happens.

I may have to move to Canada.

All I want for Christmas is some insurance

I have this foot pain.

It really hurts.

This pain travels all the way up the top of my foot, through my ankle and into the core of my shin with every step i take. I don't remember when this pain first occurred or if i did anything to cause it. All I know is it hurts.

And I can't take my insurance-less ass to the doctors because I decided to try my luck this time and reject the COBRA offer because any other time I paid for it, I paid to never use it. Now that I went with a cheap insurance (six months for one month of what COBRA wanted) means I have a $1000 deductible. I already went to the doctor once already and even had to get a script.

It could be a blood clot. In which case I don't want to screw around. Or, it could just be because I sit at this computer for hours at a time with my feet all cocked up beneath me. The veins are looking a bit bulging and the ankle somewhat swollen but that is how this foot has been since I busted it in the 8th grade falling down a flight of cement steps. Yeah, that was graceful. That one slip caused a variety of issues in this leg but busting my right kneecap left that right leg in pristine condition. Go figure. Just lucky I guess.

And yesterday, I thought I was getting a "yeasty beav." I haven't had one in several years and I write that off to not consuming a diet high in chocolate and white carbs. I thought, "oh crap, do you know what a trip to the gyno is going to cost as well as medicine? I may as well start selling my eggs." But alas, I found the itch culprit and everything is fine. However, I did notice my Tylenol with codeine script is running low and Aunt Flow is only a mere 8 days away. So, i have to call my doctor anyway and beg her for a script with hopes she doesn't need to see me first. last time they wanted to see me and i managed to convince her she didn't need my $20 co-pay to write me a script. I literally need 6 pills, enough for two of my worst days. It's not like I'm selling this crap on the street corners. I have hydrocodone and dilaudin for that. That crap gives me a headache and constipates me for weeks.

I am stalking my doctor's office. they said they are open from 8:30 to 4:30 but closed between 12 and 1 for lunch. It's 1:15, where are they? I'd be less apt to do this if I had something else to do but all I have to do is go to the Post Office and stand there in the huge line of people waiting to mail Christmas packages because I have to mail half.com crap who seem to spread out their purchases enough to make me go to the P.O. at least three times a week.

Ohhhhh yes. PMS.

Great, now my doctor's office phone is busy.

Poop.

Pay-lo J. Lo

I don't know why I dislike Jennifer Lopez so much other than I just do. For some reason I can't explain. Maybe it's her shitty movies. Maybe it was the whole Bennifer thing. Maybe it was her crossover from dancing to acting to singing to clothing designer to perfume creator. Maybe I am just jealous.

However, I always get taken by this broad.

A few years ago, I was walking down the hall at work to go to the ladies room. A womyn passed me and I smelled her perfume. I was taken aback by how great it smelled so I asked her who made the perfume she was wearing.

"It's Glow by J. Lo" she said.

I cringed.

"I know," the womyn said. "I hate her too but I love how this smells."

I was determined to find an equally awesome scent. I discovered Vera Wang and despite it's pricey tag, I put it on my Christmas list and laughed every time I saw a bottle of Glow at T.J. Maxx for a fraction of my Vera Wang.

A year or so later, I was browsing the lingerie section at Macy*s and came upon a great piece that was perfect for a body conscious girl like me. It was long enough to hide my problem zones yet sexy enough to still light some fires. I jumped for joy and rubbed my eyes to make sure I wasn't dreaming. That is when I saw it - the J. Lo tag. I thought long and hard but ultimately put it back on the rack.

One night while talking to Maria, I mentioned this issue.

"Oh my god," she screamed, "I know exactly what you mean." Maria faced the same issue when J Lo came out with these adorable empire waist cami jammies she wanted but couldn't bring herself to buy.

Hating J Lo means we missed out on some really cute things. Damn her.

A couple of weeks ago, my mom took me to Lord & Taylor to buy a new coat because my other coats just weren't warm enough. After seeing the price of the only coat I liked, I decided that I would rather have the money to pay for the new computer than coat I didn't really need if i owned a few heavy sweater to wear under the coats I already have. Besides, none of them really made me "ohh" and "ahhh." The following night Stew and I hit Macy*s to do some Christmas shopping. I dragged him to the coat department to see if anything struck my fancy.

I spotted it from across the department. A heather green pea coat, tailored to perfection with enough funky tabs on it to make it look less like a military coat.

I gasped.

Seriously.

I gasped.

The cuteness of the coat took my breath away. It was nothing that I told my mom I was looking for. It was not long and it was no thicker than my black wool dress coat but it was cute as hell. Big buttons, princess seams, tailored back and side and a hood!

I ran over to it. I don't think Stew ever saw me move so fast but I stopped dead in my tracks when I saw the white and pink label read "J. Lo." Ugh!

I jumped up and down (yes, in the middle of the store) screaming "NO NO NO NO NO" stomping my feet.

"What's the matter?" Stew asked, eager to get what we came for (wine glasses) and get the hell out of the mall before he turned into a pumpkin.

"It's J.LO!" I said.

I may as well have said it to a brick wall because all I got was an empty stare.

"I hate J. Lo," I explained. "I NEVER buy her things. Ever. And do you know how many great things I passed up on?"

"Ok, then" Stew said, "Are we done here?"

I ignored him because I was too busy examining the jacket hoping and praying to find something about it I hated. Something that was a deal breaker. Something like a gold glitter design on a pocket. Nothing. Not a thing.

'I'll try it and maybe it won't fit or the double breasted action will make me look like the broad side of a barn," I said taking it off the hanger.

Not only did it fit perfectly but looked great.

I looked at the price, "$220? Is this broad nuts."

Stew pointed to the 40% off sign and reminded me I had a 20% off coupon in my pocket.

'Still,' I said, 'It's too much money."

But I scanned the price anyway, it was actually 50% off and with my coupon, that means its 70% off.

"I'll buy it for you," Stew offered. "I was going to get you a big gift but wasn't sure what to get so if you want the coat, I will buy it for you."

Ohhh, tempting. And so ensued a 10 minute debate where I tried to justify walking out of the store with the coat. Technically, I wouldn't be buying it since it was Stew's money, but I would be wearing it on my person. And Maria would kill me. But she even broke her "I will never buy from Walmart because I saw some movie about how awful their employees were treated" because she was thirsty and the water was right there by the register where she was standing with me.

I walked away. I came back. I walked away. I came back.

I took it off the rack and carried it around trying to force myself to find something equally as cute and as much of a deal to get instead. But there was no such thing so I let Stew buy it for me for Christmas and I have not taken it off since.

Damn J Lo.

God Save the Queen . . . and Cher

Saturday was a fun filled sugar-fest which means I won't lose a pound this week. In fact, I will only stay in the green (by a hair) if I manage not to gain. Most of the afternoon I was at a cookie swap where I was having so much fun decorating cookies that I narrowly forgot to swap. Then it was off to a party where I had an absolute blast talking to two gay men.

I'm just going to put this out there so there is no misunderstanding. I LOVE gay men. LOVE them. Why? Because they are creative bitches and I just do.

While I was hanging out with my new friends, another girl got in on the mix. She is getting married too so the wedding talk started. Now, normally, I hate when wedding talk overtakes my conversations with new people but when you're at a party where you only really know the host and someone else is also planning a wedding, it becomes the easy ice breaker. However, when it comes to wedding talk, it more than breaks the ice, it chisels away at it until the one piece of ice breaks off and sinks or floats away. It can go on forever. You have no clue what this person does for a living, but you know every minute detail of their wedding.

Go ahead . . . ask me what her centerpieces look like.

Yeah, see.

Now ask me what mine look like and wait for it . . . . wait.

No clue

Discussing marriage in front of a gay man is a slippery slope. Some think, "oh wow, yeah, this is too straight of a conversation for me, I'm going to get some more cheese." And some think, "ohhh girl, let's talk weddings . . . and stay away from the cheese, we have to stay slim for photos." I was talking to the latter. Yay!

While I was telling them about how my friend and her fiancee expressed themselves through music at their wedding down to a heavy metal quartet during the ceremony and cocktail hour, Michael blurted out his plan.

And I do have to say, I LOVE this plan.

"I want a classy affair," he said, "I want it somewhere really nice, outside, black tie with . . . . "

His partner interrupted "He wants Cher."

"To sing?" I asked, "I can't imagine how much she costs."

Um, yeah, like Cher is doing weddings these days. I mean, maybe, since gay men kept her somewhat of an icon, she might do it for them but if I wanted to rent her out so she could sing "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves", it would cost a mint. No doubt. Yup, all of this actually went through my head to justify my stupid question but it was too late, it was already out there.

"No," Michael said,"I want a black gospel choir to sing. I really want Cher impersonators to usher people to their seats. But not just Cher, 80s Cher."

Ok. Wow! See, that's specific. You're not just asking for Cher impersonators, you are special ordering them. Where was Stew when I had proof that I'm not the only person who special orders subjecting myself to lord knows what according to his theory?

Stew's Special Ordering Theory: If you special order anything, not only is it going to be fucked up, but somewhere between the kitchen and your table, your food will get spit on.

It's one thing to special order some eggs but we're talking people. We're talking Cher impersonators. Classic!

Michael elaborated. "I want the works. Big feather hats. I want the ushers to take the old ladies by the arm and say I'm going to show you to your seat, bitch."

So what if I dream the future and it's slightly off?

One morning I woke up pissed at Stew.

We didn't have a fight.

He didn't keep me up snoring/coughing/stirring around/stealing the covers.

He did nothing at all.

However, in my dream, he was very bad. He was the gigantic asshole that I waited for him to become our entire courtship but the giant asshole never surfaced. Lucky for him. But in my dream, wowie, the boy was pure evil.

It started out nice. Stew and I were dating and living together. Everything was good. The planets were aligned and in my favor. Then came our anniversary. See, Stew, the once party boy who was the life of any party he was invited to, has been, as he likes to put it, RUINED. Our anniversary falls on December 30. So, being that the next day is New years Eve, we usually do something cool that combines our anniversary and NYE. This is how we came to go to Philly last New Year's and Stew was in bed with me seconds after the ball dropped instead of being at some raging party probably passed out in the corner.

So, either way, he would have been asleep.

Back to my dream.

In my dream, Stew told me that he had to spend our Anniversary/NYE weekend with his other girlfriend, Hannah. Hannah was some tall, leggy Irish lass with long flame red hair. See, I harbor some secret fear that Stew is going to leave me some day for an Irish girl who drinks and parties and thinks books are something she can lay out like a makeshift dancefloor and dance a jig on. He told me his plans included taking Hannah to a Yankees game on NYE. Oh yeah, did I mention that Hannah, the anti-Lisa also loved baseball? I'm not sure what knotted me up more in the dream - that Stew was blowing me off for another girl or that he was blowing me off on our anniversary/NYE weekend. I don't remember much more of the dream but I remember waking up FUMING at Stew.

He was clueless as to why I was a rage-a-hol so I clued him in and he laughed and now it's a joke (to him). If he gets texted or is texting someone and I ask who it is, he says "Hannah." I hate the name. I can add it to my list of Heather and Dawn. I hate the name so much that i was torn when buying our favorite Costco item - Hannah's tatziki sauce. My boyfriend ain't going to be eating another womyn's sauce. Especially a tall leggy red headed Irish girl who now makes Greek delights. Oh hells to the no!

So, for the past few weeks Stew has been holding some surprise over my head. He had 4 possible days on the calendar when said surprise would happen but now it's narrowed down to Dec. 30th. I tried guessing it and tricking him into telling me but all my attempts were worthless.

This morning I wake up and check my email. There was an email from stew asking me if i wanted to go to a Ranger's game on New year's Eve. Apparently, some guy he worked with got an extra ticket and asked Stew but Stew didn't want to leave me alone on NYE unless maybe he could score another ticket and I could go.

Wow, it was like my dream except, unfortunately for Stew, Hannah was this angry racist guy that stew works with and not a tall, leggy red headed Irish lass. Hah! I was so overcome with joy that at last he wasn't dissing me for another broad that I almost said he could go without me. But I thought better of it and said i would only go "if they found a ticket" and "it wouldn't be my first choice of something to do on NYE is go to NYC when it is next to IMPOSSIBLE to catch a cab and encounter all the masses of drunk idiots being more idiotic because it's NYC and it's NYE." Hey, i just wanted to get my point across.

But about an hour later, I got an email from Stew telling me I was spared. The game was actually on Dec. 30th and we couldn't go because of my surprise.

Of course I had to ask if the game was really my surprise.

It's not. So I still don't know. Damn.