Saturday, May 12, 2007

I'm changing lives one iced coffee at a time

So, I gave up my weekly indulgence of a sugar free cinnamon dulce latte after boredom drove me to the nutrition section of Starbucks' Web site. Even with skim milk I was taking in half of my daily allotment of carbs. Frankly I'd rather eat those carbs in the form of pizza than drink them. Granted, i can swap to cream instead of skim milk but then I would be piling on the fat 25+ grams vs 0. So, I am back to my trusty standby summer drink - a large toasted almond iced coffee with cream and three Splenda.

Anyone who knows me knows that I was absolutely devastated when Dunkin Donuts announced they were no longer brewing french vanilla and hazelnut flavored coffees. Instead they announced all their great new syrups. Knowing how much sugar those syrups pack per tablespoon, I was banished to a life of plain tasting coffee. I figured they had to come out with sugar-free syrups eventually but that day never seemed to come. It got to the point where I was buying an assortment of sugar free syrups and adding them to my coffee when I got home. But, more often that not, I grabbed my coffee on the go so the syrups were going to waste. I had enough of society's contradiction that they want to make us healthy by offering healthy things but screw us in the end by finding some way to add sugar to it. I took matters into my own hands and wrote Dunkin Donuts headquarters. It took a few days but I finally got an answer and that answer made me the happiest little coffee lover alive. Every single one of their tasty flavors was sugar free. Not just like lame ass Starbucks who only offers caramel, vanilla and hazelnut but EVERY SINGLE ONE. And endless possibility of flavorful concoctions

I told everyone I knew (which basically consisted of about 5 people) who would actually care enough and not think I am totally insane that I took my concern all the way to Dunkin headquarters. Come on, I could not risk throwing myself into some sugar coma because the guy behind the counter would say "yes" to anything because that's just about all the English he knows. If you read my old blog you are well aware of the insane conversations I've had with Dunkin employees including the one who asked me if Stew's attitude changed towards me after we had sex. Not to mention all the times I asked for iced coffee and ended up with a hot one on the counter in front of me. And just last week I said "no sugar" three times only to take a sip of my coffee and get a straw full of sugar granules. It took everything in me to take that bit of heaven in a cup back and demand one sans sugar.

So, I really can't blame anyone for what happened yesterday.

After dropping off my clothes at the tailors, I stopped by Dunkin to get my congratulatory-you-survived-another-week Friday iced coffee. I walked in on mayhem in progress. Two ladies were engaged in a full-blown argument with the two employees (who I happen to know and like despite their prying questions). One customer with a condescending Aussie accent was interrogating an employee on why they don't offer sugar free syrups. His only defense was "no ma'am, no sugar free syrups." I took one look at her extremely dark looking iced latte and knew I could save the day because that was about to taste like a bitter turd if I didn't.

"Actually," I said, sounding like my 9-year-old nephew who starts off any fact he's about to correct you on, "They are all sugar free."

Aussie whipped around and glared at me. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, 100% sure."

The other lady in line turned around to join the inquisition, 'how do you know?"

I stood proud. I don't care who in that Dunkin was about to think I was a freak for taking my question to the top banana. I was about to let my freak flag fly high in orange and pink.

"I wrote headquarters and asked and they said that all their syrups are sugar free."


"Even the chocolate?" She asked.

"Even the chocolate," I said and then I corrected myself because I remembered the time in Florida when I asked for chocolate and they put Nestle chocolate syrup in it and I had to differentiate calling it syrup and referred to it as a "flavor shot."

"Why don't they advertise that?' she asked and the other lady backed her up by tapping a sign listing all the flavors and saying, "this should say sugar free."

I had no answer. I think it is insanely retarded that they don't mention it in the store, only on the Web site that the flavors are sugar free. My guess is maybe they think that most people who want the flavors don't want to know it is sugar free because they'll think it is made with artificial sweeteners and has an aftertaste and causes cancer.

Let me tell you something about that artificial sweetener causing cancer thing.

M Y T H.

If it were the case my ass would be long dead by now. In my 33 years I can count on one hand how many times I drank regular soda and juices that were not Crystal Light. I'd be a goner.

"Well," Aussie said facing the employee, "I will have two shots of vanilla in this because this concerned customer cared enough to write headquarters and find out the truth so now you know and you can tell all your customers."

I liked it. Concerned customer . . . finding out the truth. I felt like Michael Moore.

'You've opened up a whole new world for me," said the other lady.

Cool, they should have a parade in my honor and throw sprinkles and gift cards at me. I'm opening up whole new worlds for people. Wait until I tell stew.

"That information is invaluable," Aussie said. "Invaluable."

Shit yeah. Suddenly my being crazy served a purpose. I changed lives and opened up new worlds.

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