I have new neighbors to the right of me. They have one or two big dogs and the wife is knocked up so soon we will have to contend with not only constant barking but also a wailing baby.
Joy.
Oh yeah, did I mention that the husband wakes up everyday at 7 to the same blaring techno song like it's some OCD. Oh, and he must have his frat buddies over to play the Wii because it sounds like Sigma Alpha Assholes there sometimes on the weekends.
And yet my husband is still courteous not to play Rock Band too late or too loud as though not to disturb all their fucking concert of noise.
Why do nice boys always marry bitches like me?
Anyway, I'm not about to talk about how much I wish they would move. I make that point known to The Hubs at least four times a week (that's down from my 14). I don't even have to complain because I am sure they are thinking of moving anyway for the pure fact that they think i am totally crazy. If there's a bad moment, they catch me in it.
Not too long after they moved in and we introduced ourselves I was coming home after another EXASPERATING day. I was getting out of my car and I totally threw all thsoe ladylike manners I don't have aside and hopped out. Now, I have a truck, so hopping out in a dress isn't easy. Someone is going to get Britney Speared along the way. I just threw my legs open (I did have on black tights though and thankfully black granny panties) to hop out.
As I was showing my business to the world I thought, "fuck it, nobody is home anyway. It's just barely 5." I looked up at that very moment and my new neighbor was sitting in her Saab parked right NEXT to me with her husband and of course My truck is higher so I'm sure my crotch was at eye level with her. She got this totally "I am about to bust out laughing" look on her face and waved. I just waved back (because really, wtf else can you do?) and quickly went inside so I could burst out laughing at yet ANOTHER Seinfeld moment in my life.
I totally want to go over and apologize. Like you can even begin a conversation with, "Sorry, I just basic instinced you. It won't happen again. This is a family friendly complex." I told Stew to go over and apologize for me. Unity. He said he will wait until they open their door and then flash his crotch. I told him he should go sit on the hood of their car and when he sets off the alarm and they peek out the window to see what it is, he should batwing them. Welcome to the hood, bitches.
A few months pass with no incidents to speak of until today.
Today I stayed home from work because I was up until 5 a.m. typing one of the most heart wrenching divorce cases I have had to sit on. So, there was no way I was functioning on 3 hours of sleep and going in to more than likely get stuck in Court ALL DAY while I tried (unsuccessfully) not to let my head hit the keyboard taking notes in a series of zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
So, after I e-mailed the transcript to the law office who ordered it, I took a nice hot, long shower to ease my aching muscles. Since I had the time, I decided to give myself a deep conditioning treatment. So, i get out of the shower, load up my hair with goop, put my brightly colored blue and green frog shower cap on to heat up the conditioner and walk into my bedroom. I decide it's sort of hot in there and I walk over to window to open it. I whip up the blinds and put my hand on the window and my neighbor (the wife again) pulls right into her parking spot which happens to be right under my window. And she subsequently looks up (because who wouldn't if you saw a girl standing there in a puffy shower cap with a big blue satin bow and fake blue rose smack in the middle of it). I stood there like a deer in headlights before I decided to just swallow my pride and wave. Because, let's face it, she is totally going to tell her husband when he gets home (if she didn't get on the horn with him as soon as she walked in like I would have) so it may as well end with, "So, anyway, that crotch flashing lunatic next door waved to me in her silly shower cap."
However will I redeem myself? And do I really care to?
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