Friday, June 01, 2007

Will you still love me even after a lap dance?

There is something going on around here and I don't like the smell of it. Don't get me wrong. Stew is usually very attentive and wonderful and thoughtful and sweet to the point where I often feel unworthy. But lately, it has been poured on sticky sweet giving you a sugar rush with the first whiff.

It started on Tuesday night.

"I'm not going to poker tomorrow night."

"Why not?' I asked, "Were they not able to get enough people?"

"No, they were but I want to spend time with my Lulu because I am leaving her this weekend."

"Ummmm. Okay." I said before realizing what an ingrate I was. "Thank you. That is very sweet."

"Oh and where do you want to eat on Friday night?"

"It's only Tuesday. I don't even know what I want for dinner yet tonight." Then the ingrate feeling crept in more. "Brasita's" I suggested.

"Okay," he agreed. "I'll make reservations."

"Oh no wait," I said remembering a place we haven't been to in about a year despite it being the most phenomenal food we've had altho' quite pricey. Why not cash in on the niceness? "How about Columbus Park?"

"Anything you want."

And he was on the phone making reservations for two.

But wait, there's more.

"Okay, I may as well tell you."

"There's more?" I asked growing more skeptical by the second.

"I am going to get us tickets to see Knocked Up too after dinner."

This was a big step because we RARELY see movies I want to see altho' it's hardly like I drag him to chick flicks. Knocked up is by the writers of The 40 year-old Virgin. He acts like I ask him to rent Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or something.

"Cool," I said fully aware of what this was all about but willing to ride it out.

And with that, he quickly jumped online and ordered the tickets. He didn't even want to use our AAA cheapy vouchers or make me wait for the second week to try and use them. This was no hold barred wooing.

Wednesday night after filling my belly with wings and salad pizza we're laying on the couch and he is sucking up a head massage.

"I was going to surprise you . . . . " he starts to say.

Now, keep in mind, Stew often says this and then blames me for spoiling the surprise. Hellooooo .... does that make sense?

"I was going to get you a stuffed baby Shrek so you could sleep with it when I am gone this weekend."

Okay, that was kinda low. I am totally in love with Baby Shrek and now he was holding it over my head yet reminding me I was going to be sleeping alone this weekend while he is off to Atlantic City with his head buried in some stripper's implants partaking in lord knows what else.

"But i couldn't find one like the girl had," he said referring to the little stuffed one I saw some 6 year-old hauling around on Monday afternoon. "The only one I found was like a Cabbage Patch kid with a hard head."

Bitterness starting to fester thinking about titty bars, I stopped massaging and said, "Well, maybe you need to look harder."

So, I helped him look only able to locate stuffed baby Shreks at Build-A-Bear, the enemy of parents everywhere.

"Looks like you're going to the mall tomorrow." And then I danced around giddy with the thought singing, "I'm gonna get a baby Shrek baby Shrek." You'd swear I was less the girl about to be married and more a 5 year-old.

Thursday night, Stew came home defeated. Both Trumbull and Danbury were out of Baby Shreks.

"I feel like the parent who couldn't find the toy my daughter wanted. I feel like a failure."

And rather than offer support and tell him it's okay, I patted his back and said he could order it online which he ended up doing.

All this because he wants to go to Atlantic City with the guys for his bachelor party and he doesn't want me to come unhinged thinking about all the trouble they could get into. And even tho threats were made and wooing was in full effect, I still didn't feel like I could relax about it. So, out came the contract which he said he would not sign but ultimately did.

I, _________ , promise not to do any of the following things during my bachelor party festivities on Saturday, June 2, 2007 and Sunday, June 3, 2007 in Atlantic City, New Jersey or the surrounding areas of New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York and Connecticut.

Breaking of this contract results in the cancellation of my wedding. In the event the wedding is cancelled due to my breaking any of the following rules, _____________ of ______, Stamford, Connecticut is allowed to keep the engagement ring, both wedding bands, my big TV, game systems, games and DVDs so she can pay her parents back what they have spent for the wedding and all articles relating to the wedding. This includes, but is not limited to, invitations, postage, down payments, apparel, and etc.

I, _____ , will not do the following:

- End up in the hospital. Exceptions to the rules are car accidents (as long as I was not driving drunk or a passenger in a car where someone was driving intoxicated), a fire in the hotel/club or restaurant.

- Allow myself to get intoxicated to the point of blacking out.

- Allow my friends to peer pressure me into drinking more than I can handle.

- Get arrested.

- Get in a fight.

- Become injured by my own stupidity. Refer to Mr. Olympus.

- Kiss strippers or strangers in clubs.

- Have any physical contact whatsoever with strangers met in clubs/bars/boardwalk haunts or hotels.

- Gamble more money than I have.

- Take a stripper or stranger home

- Get a stripper’s or stranger’s number

- Touch a stripper’s or stranger’s private parts

- Have sex (oral or otherwise) with a stripper or stranger. This applies to giving and receiving.

- Do body shots off females.

- Go to a filthy massage parlor.

- Meet up with Sweet potato.

- Meet up with Zoobas.

- Not forget to bring Lulu home a magnet.

- Not cast my photo identification or other identification I need on the floors of clubs/hotels and bars.

I, ______, sign this contract in good faith, willingly and fully aware this will hold up in court.

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