Saturday, June 23, 2007

B.Y.O.D.C. - Bring Your Own Damn Coffee

It started. The end of my convenience.

I can only function in the morning after a cup of coffee. I reheat some cold coffee from the fridge and chug it before I get in the shower. Then, because I live right next to a bakery, I drop in there to get a cop before going to work because the cafeteria in the courthouse charges $1.50 for about 6 ounces of coffee when I can pay $1.75 for 20 ounces at the bakery. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what is the better deal . . . and better cup of joe. I don't care of the guy at the courthouse has a sign by the exorbitant price that says, "it's not quantity, it's quality" it's bullshit and it sucks either way.

The bakery is stop is not without annoyances because they have the coffee station set up in some half-ass manner. One might think they would put the trash by the station at the end where you stir your coffee and maybe have to use a napkin or two. But now, they have the garbage all the way in the middle of the station where all the coffee is. It's a narrow aisle and it's usually clogged so getting back to the trash is not an easy feat. Everybody that goes in there comments on what a dumb place that is to have the garbage but apparently those complaints have fallen on deaf ears. Other than that, the only other minor annoyance is that they occasionally run out of half and half. Sometimes, it is for a couple of days which blows my mind as to why they would even let this happen because they are next door to a grocery store.

After the third day of having to use milk (I know it doesn't seem like a hardship but i HATE milk) I thought I was going to have tos tart bringing my own cream. I thought of how if I had to bring my own cream, I deserved some sort of discount. But that is when I noticed the sign posted to the empty black holder that housed Splenda stating, "Please ask for Splenda at the counter."

Okay. People steal Splenda. It is completely retarded that people steal Splenda and my mom is one of those people. So, I get their rationale for hiding their Splenda. But, how many people are standing there in that narrow and totally exposed aisle stuffing their pockets with Splenda that you feel the need to hide it. And I go in there every morning (albeit only for a few minutes) and I have never seen anyone hoarding Splenda. Also, if you are charging $1.75 a cup and I see you sell at least $10 worth of coffee in the 5 minutes I am there, I think you can afford some Costco Splenda . . . . and some f-ing Half and Half.

Ask for it at the counter. In theory it seems fine. It seems effortless. But in reality, it's not and here's why:

I have a system for doing my coffee up which goes against the flow of the ass backwards way they have their silly station set up.

Step 1. Grab a cup

Step 2. Walk past all the coffee to the opposite end of the stations to pour in some half and half (if they have it)

Step 3. Walk back to the mid-point to fill my coffee cup. If nobody came in behind me it's easy, if someone did, it's a bob-and-weave maneuver.

Step 4. Go back to where the cream was to add two Splenda packets and stir some in.

Step 5. Bob-and-weave back to the midpoint to throw out my stirrer in the trash slot which is at crotch level with most of the patrons so I have to be careful not to give some stranger a morning thrill.

Step 6. Pay.

But now that i have to ask for Splenda, my flow is ruined.

Step 4 becomes - Go to the counter and wait for other customers to finish up deciding how many scones they want until the girl (because there are usually two girls but one is always busy and the other one is missing) is freed up to get my Splenda. Meanwhile my coffee is getting cold at the end of the counter with the lid off as strangers shuffle around it while they are helping themselves to the real sugar which seems to grow on trees judging from the way they just leave it out for anyone to use.

Step 5 - Go back to the counter to put in the sugar and stir.

Step 6 - throw out my trash.

Step 7 - Pay.

Yes, I am well aware there are ways to avoid the extra step. I have tried waiting patiently to get the Splenda when I first walk in but there is usually a mob of people there. I have also paid for my coffee when I get the Splenda to avoid having to go back.

But honestly, the only way to really save the time is to just bring my Splenda and if I am now bringing my own Splenda and my own cream, I should just get a coffee pot with a timer and a travel mug.

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