Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Womb Power

When you are registering for baby stuff people have a lot of opinions. I don't usually give mine unless I am asked (and then you get a two page email about it) but some folks just can't contain themselves. While The Hubs and I were walking around Babies R Us scanning in our registry items, a womyn came running over to us and told us to register for the Mommy Bear. It is this bear that attaches to the crib and makes womb noises. The one in the store was busted so we didn't get to try it out but we scanned it anyway. I was a bit discouraged when I spoke to someone from work who told me her son hated it. I received the Mommy Bear for my shower and it sat in the box for a good few weeks before we tried it and Lady Bells was less than impressed by it as she was with her swing. However, she loved the hell out of her changing pad.

The Hubs was ready to pack up and return the Mommy Bear and the swing to get credit to buy formula but I told him to give it another whirl in a couple of weeks to see if her tastes changed. Sure enough, they did. And as a new parent trying to calm a fussy and crying baby you will try just about anything with a million things that make noise strapped onto your arms and legs as you rush the baby around putting her in every contraption you own like it's a low budget version of Neverland Ranch to see what works. Okay, well, maybe I am just the asshole who did this but I bet I'm not. My mom swears that putting on BET calms her down. I think this was a fluke because she really seems to like The Shins but that was last week and you know kids today, their tastes change like the wind.

Actually, the Mommy Bear has been a savior the past couple of nights. However, with her in the room with us and the Mommy Bear attached to my bedpost, the only one getting any sleep is the queen while us minions suffer. I think I am starting to hear stuff in the Womb Bear. After a while, that sound begins to sound like actual words being chanted. The things I swear it is saying are:

Let it rain
Brooklyn Go
Oh boya (no, it doesn't say, Goya)
Don't go
Range Rover
No go
Hot Rocks
Let's go
Harry wait
No rain
Please don't
Hurry up
Go Yanks

I don't know why but when I turn the Mommy Bear on, I like to imagine that somewhere 10 Gregorian Monks were sitting around chanting the soothing (read: disturbing) sounds into a tape recorder. I know that is not the case. I know somewhere in China, someone got hold of a taped ultrasound and just looped it but cut a new mom (read: sleep deprived delusional new mom) some slack.

After a restless night with La Chupacabra and way too much rocking than my thighs could handle, I grabbed the womb bear (yes, still in the box) and twisted the "try me" knob. La Chupa drifted off into a nice slumber. I carried her little Jell-O body into the room and put her in the bassinet, then I ran like hell to the nursery and grabbed the Mommy Bear (box and all) and shoved it under her bassinet. The next morning I extolled the virtues of the Mommy Bear to The Hubs. The next night when The Hubs was rocking her to sleep, I turned on the Mommy Bear and he told me not to waste the batteries. I said, 'It doesn't run on batteries." I don't know what I was thinking, everything and anything for a baby runs on batteries. It's like all those baby toy/soothers/swings and the like are all in cahoots with Duracell. I have an entire drawer filled with all kinds of size batteries thanks to Costco. I explained that the Mommy Bear could not possibly run on batteries because it has a power saving feature that shuts off after 40 minutes.

Oh dear, I was becoming one of those low functioning people who stands their ground no matter how wrong I am. But, to my defense, I did truly believe what I was talking about. I became obsessed and took the Mommy Bear back to the bedroom where I felt around the knob until my fingers felt Velcro and then I tore it open to expose what looked like an ice pack .... an ice pack that would hold batteries.

I walked back to the nursery with my tail between my legs where The Hubs was rocking an almost sleeping little angel (yes, she is my angel when she is sleeping).

"It does take batteries," I said.
"Of course it does," The Hubs said, "What did you think it ran on womb power? Do you think your womb is so powerful that it ran that?"
"Yes," I said, furthering my above statement about being low functioning.

Then I started laughing which startled (read: woke up) La Chupacabra so I did what anyone would do and ran out the room where I laughed myself to sleep thinking about my energy efficient womb.

1 comment:

Julie said...

Again....should not have read this in Court. I hope my womb is half as powerful as yours!