When you are registering for baby stuff people have a lot of opinions. I don't usually give mine unless I am asked (and then you get a two page email about it) but some folks just can't contain themselves. While The Hubs and I were walking around Babies R Us scanning in our registry items, a womyn came running over to us and told us to register for the Mommy Bear. It is this bear that attaches to the crib and makes womb noises. The one in the store was busted so we didn't get to try it out but we scanned it anyway. I was a bit discouraged when I spoke to someone from work who told me her son hated it. I received the Mommy Bear for my shower and it sat in the box for a good few weeks before we tried it and Lady Bells was less than impressed by it as she was with her swing. However, she loved the hell out of her changing pad.
The Hubs was ready to pack up and return the Mommy Bear and the swing to get credit to buy formula but I told him to give it another whirl in a couple of weeks to see if her tastes changed. Sure enough, they did. And as a new parent trying to calm a fussy and crying baby you will try just about anything with a million things that make noise strapped onto your arms and legs as you rush the baby around putting her in every contraption you own like it's a low budget version of Neverland Ranch to see what works. Okay, well, maybe I am just the asshole who did this but I bet I'm not. My mom swears that putting on BET calms her down. I think this was a fluke because she really seems to like The Shins but that was last week and you know kids today, their tastes change like the wind.
Actually, the Mommy Bear has been a savior the past couple of nights. However, with her in the room with us and the Mommy Bear attached to my bedpost, the only one getting any sleep is the queen while us minions suffer. I think I am starting to hear stuff in the Womb Bear. After a while, that sound begins to sound like actual words being chanted. The things I swear it is saying are:
Let it rain
Brooklyn Go
Oh boya (no, it doesn't say, Goya)
Don't go
Range Rover
No go
Hot Rocks
Let's go
Harry wait
No rain
Please don't
Hurry up
Go Yanks
I don't know why but when I turn the Mommy Bear on, I like to imagine that somewhere 10 Gregorian Monks were sitting around chanting the soothing (read: disturbing) sounds into a tape recorder. I know that is not the case. I know somewhere in China, someone got hold of a taped ultrasound and just looped it but cut a new mom (read: sleep deprived delusional new mom) some slack.
After a restless night with La Chupacabra and way too much rocking than my thighs could handle, I grabbed the womb bear (yes, still in the box) and twisted the "try me" knob. La Chupa drifted off into a nice slumber. I carried her little Jell-O body into the room and put her in the bassinet, then I ran like hell to the nursery and grabbed the Mommy Bear (box and all) and shoved it under her bassinet. The next morning I extolled the virtues of the Mommy Bear to The Hubs. The next night when The Hubs was rocking her to sleep, I turned on the Mommy Bear and he told me not to waste the batteries. I said, 'It doesn't run on batteries." I don't know what I was thinking, everything and anything for a baby runs on batteries. It's like all those baby toy/soothers/swings and the like are all in cahoots with Duracell. I have an entire drawer filled with all kinds of size batteries thanks to Costco. I explained that the Mommy Bear could not possibly run on batteries because it has a power saving feature that shuts off after 40 minutes.
Oh dear, I was becoming one of those low functioning people who stands their ground no matter how wrong I am. But, to my defense, I did truly believe what I was talking about. I became obsessed and took the Mommy Bear back to the bedroom where I felt around the knob until my fingers felt Velcro and then I tore it open to expose what looked like an ice pack .... an ice pack that would hold batteries.
I walked back to the nursery with my tail between my legs where The Hubs was rocking an almost sleeping little angel (yes, she is my angel when she is sleeping).
"It does take batteries," I said.
"Of course it does," The Hubs said, "What did you think it ran on womb power? Do you think your womb is so powerful that it ran that?"
"Yes," I said, furthering my above statement about being low functioning.
Then I started laughing which startled (read: woke up) La Chupacabra so I did what anyone would do and ran out the room where I laughed myself to sleep thinking about my energy efficient womb.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Trash Talk and Tatziki Sauce
The Hubs and I are pretty boring these days. We think we are being reckless and crazy by leaving my parents with Lady Bells and going to return items for my mom. Yeah, I know, we need a hobby. We were really bored and risky today. After checking the weather and seeing it was going to be a whole 50+ degrees we decided to pack up La Chupacabra and go for a walk. One problem, we were starving because while this kid eats every 3 or 4 hours, we eat every 6 or 8 if we are lucky.
After calming her with a bottle, we put her in the car and headed to a local pizza place. I sat in the back giving The Hubs a play by play on eyelid closure because we would not dare step into an establishment when she is awake and possibly risk her having one of her "moments." Her eyes started closing about 100 feet from the place and we debated in the parking lot for a good few minutes about whether to take it to go or risk it. Meanwhile my stomach began eating itself so I started making my way towards the door lugging my 200 pound diaper bag.
I told The Hubs to grab a booth near a window but out of sunlight (La Chupacabra HATES sunlight) and he starts heading for a table. Again, I say, "a booth" and again, he leads me towards a table. Again, I say, "a booth, like that one in the back corner where there is no sun" and again he points to a table. Do you understand now why I might get a bit short sometimes? Ohhhh, it's a good thing he makes me laugh so hard I cry. If I had a free hand and some energy, I would have shoved him towards the booth but luckily he noticed it on his own. Now, we're cooking. I wasn't too happy that the booth was near people (see what a shut in I have become?) But, I sucked it up. I didn't think they were going to close down the place upon my arrival.
Making a simple decision these days like what i want to eat is like taking the SAT for me. If I could travel with a second person who made all my decisions for me, I would; but, just for now because ... well, see above statement about people. The Hubs had his mind set on fish and chips which was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew I wanted to split one of their famous cheesy salads but what else. Eating now sorta sucks because when I was preggo the cravings were so intense I knew what I wanted for dinner while I was on my way to work in the morning. Now, I'm suffering from guilt that I should be eating to lose baby weight and the inability to make decisions. I finally settle on a gyro (we are in a Greek place for the love of God, not Long John Silver) but if we were at LJS, I know all I would have gotten was a big ass order of huspuppies.
The Hubs and I talk but not a lot while we are out because I am easily distracted by other people's conversations. This is a bad habit that has been made worse since taking my current job. The Hubs pretty much always had this habit because he can tell me whatever song is playing on a radio that is at 1 decibel in a room. Our convoryeaurism has taken on a new low when we start texting each other about what we are hearing because commenting aloud means risking those people finding out we're listening and then GAME OVER.
The first thing I noticed was that the conversation coming from the table behind us was really loud. I was rather pissed since I was hoping La Chupacabra would sleep long enough for me to get some nourishment. But, it is a good thing I taught her to like noise early. The second thing I notice is that the person making the most noise at the table is a girl and she is a Bridezilla.
"This is going to be fun," I mouth to The Hubs who is really bad at reading lips but I can tell he tuned into the table conversation as well.
In summary, Bridezilla was stressed out. She needed to set a date TODAY (It was 1:30 on a Sunday, mind you) because she HAD to book her vendors and get her invitations and she couldn't do any of that unless she booked her date TODAY with a deposit TODAY. She was literally running through any wedding venue she could think of and calling people and telling them to take a drive by to see what it looked like and if it was nice knock on the door and have the cleaning crew let them in so they can see the inside and report back to her. Wow, I kinda put more thought into what I am going to wear in the morning and here she is blindly planning her wedding.
They kept talking about the Inn at Longshore a lot and not a single one of them ever went to a wedding there. I have been to two very lovely weddings there and had I not gotten married where I did, The Inn at Longshore would have been my next pick. Of course, I could not help but give my stamp of approval so I turned around and said I have been to two very nice weddings there and the food was wonderful and plentiful and they can fit a lot of people. Bridezilla quickly corrected me that they were only inviting 80 people. Okay, whatever, I wasn't looking for specifics just wanted to stop you from booking the gymnasium at Westhill High School. Of course, they wanted to know the price and I only knew their rates for 2007 so I could only vouch for those. They asked if I knew some place in New Rochelle and I said I was not familiar with it. Bridezilla was seeking a May date. Wow, slow your roll, sister, you got a whole year.
The Hubs slid his phone towards me, "Shouldn't have talked to dopey" was all that was on the screen.
"I know" I mouthed, "Why don't you stop me from doing these things?"
Our salad came and we dug in with our ears perked. We're such losers. Bridezilla was babbling on about how she needed mental help. Then, the talk turned to babies and how she would not trust anyone other than her mother and mother-in-law to watch their baby. I almost spit out my cheese. I have only been a mom for a month and I would let one of these waitresses watch my kid if it meant I could take a shower longer than 5 minutes. Then, the talk turned to pre-natal vitamins and it all started to come together. She was pregnant and she meant THIS MAY as in two month from now. Now, I understood her urgency.
"This have changed so much since I got married," her fiance's mother said.
"When did you get married?" Bridezilla asked her.
"1974," his mom said.
"The year I was born," Bridezilla said, because you just got that vibe that EVERYTHING had to come back to her.
"I was 16," his mom said.
"16!" Bridezilla said. "How could you have stayed with the same man since you were 16? I would have wanted to kill him by the time I was 21."
That's nice. I am sure that is just what her fiancee and his mom wanted to hear. At least he knows he will get a good five years out of this marriage.
And the gems just kept on coming from Bidezilla.
On babysitting:
I would never let a guy watch my baby unless he was married. If there was a wife there with him then it would be okay but if they are not married then no way.
On how her groom could stand out from the groomsmen in his tux:
I think he should have three buttons when the other guys have two. Hey, who is going to count buttons, dummy? I hope wherever you go get a tux, they explain that the groom will wear a white shirt, ivory vest and ivory tie to set him apart. But, you go ahead with that button idea.
And just as I was about to ease up on her (FAT CHANCE) she asks this question:
Ladies, can I ask a question and get your honest opinion about it? Say you had a dream (obviously meaning herself) and it was about an ex, would you wake up and tell the other person? (obviously, she did).
Bridezilla's fiancee got bent out of shape about this. His mom came to his rescue saying, "no." This sparked an argument with Bridezilla standing her ground that the the ex was from 10 years ago and she has to hear about his exes all the time. Her fiancee defended himself saying he was a different person than she was and he got upset about it. he was visibly getting upset about it right then an there. Who the hell is the pregnant hormonal one in the relationship?
It was almost a race to see which one of us could text "What a pussy" first.
Both their parents told them to cool it and stop the conversation. Bridezilla agreed and then started it right back up a second later. It was hard to believe she was 34 and not 14.
Finally, they left.
"That poor bastard" The Hubs said. "And why do low functioning people stand their ground like that and are so steadfast in their convictions that they are right?"
"Because ignorance is bliss," I offered.
Then he said the sweetest thing. "Seeing that makes me so glad I married you."
Damn skippy.
After calming her with a bottle, we put her in the car and headed to a local pizza place. I sat in the back giving The Hubs a play by play on eyelid closure because we would not dare step into an establishment when she is awake and possibly risk her having one of her "moments." Her eyes started closing about 100 feet from the place and we debated in the parking lot for a good few minutes about whether to take it to go or risk it. Meanwhile my stomach began eating itself so I started making my way towards the door lugging my 200 pound diaper bag.
I told The Hubs to grab a booth near a window but out of sunlight (La Chupacabra HATES sunlight) and he starts heading for a table. Again, I say, "a booth" and again, he leads me towards a table. Again, I say, "a booth, like that one in the back corner where there is no sun" and again he points to a table. Do you understand now why I might get a bit short sometimes? Ohhhh, it's a good thing he makes me laugh so hard I cry. If I had a free hand and some energy, I would have shoved him towards the booth but luckily he noticed it on his own. Now, we're cooking. I wasn't too happy that the booth was near people (see what a shut in I have become?) But, I sucked it up. I didn't think they were going to close down the place upon my arrival.
Making a simple decision these days like what i want to eat is like taking the SAT for me. If I could travel with a second person who made all my decisions for me, I would; but, just for now because ... well, see above statement about people. The Hubs had his mind set on fish and chips which was the furthest thing from my mind. I knew I wanted to split one of their famous cheesy salads but what else. Eating now sorta sucks because when I was preggo the cravings were so intense I knew what I wanted for dinner while I was on my way to work in the morning. Now, I'm suffering from guilt that I should be eating to lose baby weight and the inability to make decisions. I finally settle on a gyro (we are in a Greek place for the love of God, not Long John Silver) but if we were at LJS, I know all I would have gotten was a big ass order of huspuppies.
The Hubs and I talk but not a lot while we are out because I am easily distracted by other people's conversations. This is a bad habit that has been made worse since taking my current job. The Hubs pretty much always had this habit because he can tell me whatever song is playing on a radio that is at 1 decibel in a room. Our convoryeaurism has taken on a new low when we start texting each other about what we are hearing because commenting aloud means risking those people finding out we're listening and then GAME OVER.
The first thing I noticed was that the conversation coming from the table behind us was really loud. I was rather pissed since I was hoping La Chupacabra would sleep long enough for me to get some nourishment. But, it is a good thing I taught her to like noise early. The second thing I notice is that the person making the most noise at the table is a girl and she is a Bridezilla.
"This is going to be fun," I mouth to The Hubs who is really bad at reading lips but I can tell he tuned into the table conversation as well.
In summary, Bridezilla was stressed out. She needed to set a date TODAY (It was 1:30 on a Sunday, mind you) because she HAD to book her vendors and get her invitations and she couldn't do any of that unless she booked her date TODAY with a deposit TODAY. She was literally running through any wedding venue she could think of and calling people and telling them to take a drive by to see what it looked like and if it was nice knock on the door and have the cleaning crew let them in so they can see the inside and report back to her. Wow, I kinda put more thought into what I am going to wear in the morning and here she is blindly planning her wedding.
They kept talking about the Inn at Longshore a lot and not a single one of them ever went to a wedding there. I have been to two very lovely weddings there and had I not gotten married where I did, The Inn at Longshore would have been my next pick. Of course, I could not help but give my stamp of approval so I turned around and said I have been to two very nice weddings there and the food was wonderful and plentiful and they can fit a lot of people. Bridezilla quickly corrected me that they were only inviting 80 people. Okay, whatever, I wasn't looking for specifics just wanted to stop you from booking the gymnasium at Westhill High School. Of course, they wanted to know the price and I only knew their rates for 2007 so I could only vouch for those. They asked if I knew some place in New Rochelle and I said I was not familiar with it. Bridezilla was seeking a May date. Wow, slow your roll, sister, you got a whole year.
The Hubs slid his phone towards me, "Shouldn't have talked to dopey" was all that was on the screen.
"I know" I mouthed, "Why don't you stop me from doing these things?"
Our salad came and we dug in with our ears perked. We're such losers. Bridezilla was babbling on about how she needed mental help. Then, the talk turned to babies and how she would not trust anyone other than her mother and mother-in-law to watch their baby. I almost spit out my cheese. I have only been a mom for a month and I would let one of these waitresses watch my kid if it meant I could take a shower longer than 5 minutes. Then, the talk turned to pre-natal vitamins and it all started to come together. She was pregnant and she meant THIS MAY as in two month from now. Now, I understood her urgency.
"This have changed so much since I got married," her fiance's mother said.
"When did you get married?" Bridezilla asked her.
"1974," his mom said.
"The year I was born," Bridezilla said, because you just got that vibe that EVERYTHING had to come back to her.
"I was 16," his mom said.
"16!" Bridezilla said. "How could you have stayed with the same man since you were 16? I would have wanted to kill him by the time I was 21."
That's nice. I am sure that is just what her fiancee and his mom wanted to hear. At least he knows he will get a good five years out of this marriage.
And the gems just kept on coming from Bidezilla.
On babysitting:
I would never let a guy watch my baby unless he was married. If there was a wife there with him then it would be okay but if they are not married then no way.
On how her groom could stand out from the groomsmen in his tux:
I think he should have three buttons when the other guys have two. Hey, who is going to count buttons, dummy? I hope wherever you go get a tux, they explain that the groom will wear a white shirt, ivory vest and ivory tie to set him apart. But, you go ahead with that button idea.
And just as I was about to ease up on her (FAT CHANCE) she asks this question:
Ladies, can I ask a question and get your honest opinion about it? Say you had a dream (obviously meaning herself) and it was about an ex, would you wake up and tell the other person? (obviously, she did).
Bridezilla's fiancee got bent out of shape about this. His mom came to his rescue saying, "no." This sparked an argument with Bridezilla standing her ground that the the ex was from 10 years ago and she has to hear about his exes all the time. Her fiancee defended himself saying he was a different person than she was and he got upset about it. he was visibly getting upset about it right then an there. Who the hell is the pregnant hormonal one in the relationship?
It was almost a race to see which one of us could text "What a pussy" first.
Both their parents told them to cool it and stop the conversation. Bridezilla agreed and then started it right back up a second later. It was hard to believe she was 34 and not 14.
Finally, they left.
"That poor bastard" The Hubs said. "And why do low functioning people stand their ground like that and are so steadfast in their convictions that they are right?"
"Because ignorance is bliss," I offered.
Then he said the sweetest thing. "Seeing that makes me so glad I married you."
Damn skippy.
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